How many times have parents or caregivers told a child, "Shame On You!" And, is that always a bad statement to make? Not necessarily. Some forms of shame can be good. Renowned psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers recently wrote an article that was published in Parade magazine saying that shame could be a useful tool in certain instances. She even went as gone as far as saying that in trying to increase self-esteem, our society may have gone too far the other way.


When is shame good?

Some forms of shame can be good. Being called to task for inappropriate behavior or cited for not standing up for what we believe in or helping others speak out who are right. When people are "shamed into doing the right thing," as is commonly referenced, it can be a good move that causes a positive result. Dr. Brothers says that good shame can lead to self-discovery and growth by:

• providing new insight
• encouraging new improvements
• expanding your value system
• making you more sensitive to others
• making you want to elevate the culture around you.
  
  

Bad shame humiliates a person and makes you feel bad about the way you look or feel. Dr. Brothers writes that "shame became an accepted way of making kids conform to society's standards while ignoring the bad feelings it could inflict." A parent of a three-year-old and eight-year-old says she has been trying to break the cycle of being ashamed of not doing well in school and feeling inferior by working with her children academically.

She said she was always made to feel ashamed of her apparent self-acknowledged weakness in math and science. As a result, she has encouraged her children to learn to love these two subject areas and has encouraged her oldest child to participate in the Science Fair this year to overcome her fear of the topic.

What does bad shame cause? It...

• attacks you as a person
• damages self-esteem
• evokes an emotional or angry response
• often gets passed on to children, who then "relive" that perception or stigma
• leaves you feeling helpless or inadequate