I have great kids.
They came out nothing like I expected, (my daughter denied me tea parties and climbed trees, my son prefers video games to catching frogs) but they are everything I ever wanted.
Smart, funny and eating me out of house and home.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Many people have commented to me over the years about how lucky I am to have such "good" kids - which of course means well behaved.
I've no doubt that luck had something to do with it; they were both born healthy with good natural intelligence, but I'd like to believe that most of their "goodness" came from a nurturing loving environment that had the right balance of structure and freedom.
Am I the perfect mother? No, but I do think I have a few nuggets of wisdom to pass on.
Little kids Say what you mean, mean what you say I had a neighbor once with 3 kids of similar ages to my own.
Her 2 oldest were boys that were not only rambunctious, but sometimes they were downright mean and evil.
The last time they were at my house, they were tearing around the yard causing damage and my neighbor yelled "If you boys don't stop that, you're never going to see Grandma again!" This slowed them down for maybe 5 minutes.
Threats are no good and in fact counter productive if they hold no weight.
Do you think she meant this? I certainly didn't and neither did the boys.
Little kids have ultimate faith in your god-like status.
The only way to maintain that and in turn maintain discipline is to only threaten what you can live with.
A personal favorite is bedtime stories.
Kids love them.
Taking them away if they don't behave or don't do something asked is easy.
It makes them think twice because they will miss a ritual that they love and not doing it gives you 20 extra minutes at night.
Before submitting any kind of threat; think first.
Is this something I can live with? Taking away television for 2 hours may make your kid unhappy, but can you live with them being bored during that time, or are you willing to get on the floor and play with them instead? If you don't stick to the threat, then you've gained nothing and made it twice as hard for the next time.
If you continue issuing empty threats then you need to read Peter and the Wolf to your kids.
When you finally do really mean it, no one will take you seriously.
Thriving on knowing what's coming next My mom had a standing rule when we went to the grocery store.
Every time before we went in she would get down at eye level and say, "You may pick out 1 thing.
It can be your favorite cereal, or a toy, but only one thing.
After you've picked out that one thing then that's it, you can't beg for anything else.
" How many times have you seen a kid having a tantrum in the store? Except for the time I got my tongue stuck on a frozen juice can and started crying, I never did.
My kids never did either; because like me at that age, they new what to expect and what the rules were.
Kids love rules and will follow them religiously, as long as they're clear, fair and consistent.
You can't always take them with you My boss had a client once that had an adopted daughter.
He and his wife had waited many years to get her and treated her like a princess.
When he came into town for a business meeting, the whole family often came in with him.
We were sitting at an expensive restaurant one night, after 9pm and the little 2 year old girl was with us.
Kids and white tablecloth restaurants don't mix.
They can't sit there quietly for 30 minutes, much less 3 hours.
By the time coffee was served, she was tired and cranky.
Before anyone saw what was going on, she took her mother's hot cup of coffee and dumped it into her lap.
Having kids means that your life has changed and at least while they're little, your social life cannot remain the same.
That's just the way it is, live with it.
You can learn to love family restaurants, or accept the fact that baby sitters are expensive.
But going to formal adult functions with small children in tow is not only unfair to everyone else at the function; it's really unfair to the kid.
Little bodies need a regular, predictable schedule and an early bed time.
When they get this, they thrive, when they don't, monsters are created.
Unexpected things always happen, schedules can't always stay in concrete, but every effort to maintain them will pay you back in rested, happy kids.
Daycare - Choosing and living with providers I always envied Moms who chose to stay home.
I never had that financial luxury, so it never felt like a choice I could make.
It wasn't like I was an executive, far from it, there were many years when making ends meet was the goal.
I was back to work after 12 weeks with both of my kids.
There was a period when my daughter was 2 and we had just moved to rural Michigan and were trying to start a business that I stayed home with her.
She was growing out of her afternoon nap and what ever was going on that day, I really needed her to take the nap.
The 3rd time she got out of bed and into my hair, I carried her upstairs, practically threw her on the bed, told her to NEVER get out of bed without my permission and slammed the door.
She didn't leave her room without permission for 6 months and I felt terrible.
I found a job soon after that.
I think I can honestly say that my kids are alive and well today because I went back to work.
Choosing daycare providers is an emotional experience.
That's a good thing.
You want your gut to scream at you if you're uncomfortable with who you're interviewing.
There will always be some compromise.
Whom ever you hire, nanny, home provider or group daycare; none of them are you.
None of them will care for your child like you do.
You want to find someone who is intelligent and trustworthy.
If they're taking care of other kids, do those kids seem like good matches to yours? (The very first woman I interviewed had 2 extremely active toddler boys in her care.
My vision of them sitting on my darling newborn girl while this woman encouraged them sent me right out the door.
) Consider this; nothing is permanent.
Your current sitter will move or you will move or something else will cause a change.
The good news is that after the first round if interviews it does get easier.
The bad news is that all arrangements are a house of cards; sitters have sick days too.
Or, if you find yourself in an unacceptable situation as I once did, then do not hesitate, get your kid out.
Missing work because of lack of daycare is not pretty, but having your kid in an un-safe or un-desirable environment is way worse.
Always make as many contingency plans as possible ahead of time.
The other common issue is what type of provider to look for.
That depends a lot on your finances.
I was never able to afford a nanny, but for the most part I liked the homes I had my kids in.
I personally feel that when they're babies, being in a small (under 6 kids) home is the best.
That way they are generally dealing with one Mom and her family as a provider and most of the women who choose to do this are genuinely invested in the kids they care for.
When the kids are fully potty trained, then it's time to think about a regular daycare center.
At that point, learning how to deal with a larger group of kids is an excellent school prep.
Do ask about staff turnover.
If no one has been there over 6 months then it is a sign of trouble with the management and could be a problem for the kids.
Mom is the continuity Interviewing daycare providers for my first born tiny 3 month baby girl was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in this life.
How could I just leave her alone with a stranger all day? When I finally did go back to work, I was racked with guilt.
She saw me for an hour in the morning and maybe 2 before bed; I was sure she would be more attached to her sitter than she would be to me.
Two kids and 10 providers later - they only have very vague memories of pre-school daycares and no memories of the early in home providers; but they know who I am.
I'm the one who has been with them everyday.
I am the one that has been consistent in their lives.
Bigger kids Being treated like a human being.
I have an old college roommate that I've kept in touch with for many years.
Our boys are only 6 months apart and when we got together it was great fun to see them bond over Yugio cards or video games.
The last visit was when the boys were 15.
Her family came for a visit, but it was like meeting strangers at the door.
Instead of happy kids I was met with sullen teenagers.
I must admit that my teenage son is not the chatty kid he once was, but her kids were dark and depressing.
What had happened? I found out by dinner time.
My friend had always been a bit on the dark and complaining side, but apparently over the last few years, this tendency had taken over.
She sat there while we were all at the dinner table and made fun of her son's desire to go to medical school.
"His grades are too poor, he has no work ethic and at this point it's too late to learn that.
" She put down her daughter in similar ways.
My kids were horrified and embarrassed for her kids.
Her husband said nothing.
A work ethic and good grades some from a combination of natural ability, mimicry of the parents work ethic, parental awareness of what's happening at school and homework discipline at home.
But, before any of that can happen, the kid has to believe in his own abilities.
That comes from positive reinforcement.
Our primary job as parents is to give the next generation the tools they need to make it on their own in a productive way.
If they believe they can, then they probably will.
If they're constantly reminded that they're worthless, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also believe that it's never too late.
Bad habits can be hard to get rid of, but good ones can always be learned and encouraged.
Standards also need to be set.
My kids probably think I am too much of a task master over grades.
They also know that bringing home anything less than a B on a consistent basis is a call to action on my part and not acceptable.
My kids and I had more than one tense conversation over work ethics, habits and grades.
They know what I expect of them.
They also know that if they need any help that I'm the first one in line to make sure they get what they need.
My son struggled in honors chemistry his sophomore year.
A teacher in his last of 39 years and a badly taught section contributed to this.
I knew that colleges don't care about those circumstances, they only see grade averages.
So yes, I harangued him most of the semester over this, threatening to make the Xbox disappear over the summer (I can live with that.
) I also said over and over, "Ask your sister for help, or get a tutor if you need it, but I know you can conquer this and bring the grade up.
You have the ability.
" When he aced the final and changed the C into a B, I was more proud of that than the 2 A's he got.
Big kids are not adults yet, but they are human beings.
They deserve respect.
If you can respect them, then as a bonus, they will respect you and your wishes as well.
Perhaps even more importantly than little kids they also need regular positive reinforcement of their own abilities.
Teenagers have enough to feel bad and self-conscious about; you don't need to add to that.
Don't hide sex I was having lunch with some co-workers one day and the subject of movies and kids came up.
One woman spoke at great length about how she "shielded" her kids.
If boobs came on the screen, she would rush to cover their eyes.
She tried to carefully screen everything her kids watched.
All I could think was "I don't do that.
" Now, don't get me wrong.
I think parents need to be cognizant of what their kids are watching and that different ages have different needs.
I think boobs popping up is a wonderful way to mention how most women are not built like that, or how silly or touching the scene is.
Or, it's an opportunity to just not make a big deal out of it.
I'd much rather say something against the gratuitous violence.
I think over active "protecting" is like not telling kids to stay away from a hot stove.
What they don't know can hurt them.
Use those scenes to teach them about birth control, safe sex and intelligent choices.
What you don't tell them, they will find from some other source and that may not be the presentation you had in mind.
If this subject makes you squeamish - get over it! Only kids armed with good information can make good choices.
My daughter has had the same boyfriend since 9th grade, which is more than I can say.
Before her senior year I took her to the Dr.
for birth control.
They had not gone that far yet, but let's be real.
I was glad that she was showing better judgment than I did at that age, but I also wanted her to be fully prepared.
My mom figured out I was on the pill in High School.
Instead of being a raving lunatic about it, she was completely non-judgmental, open and supportive about it.
I thought that was so cool, that the next time I went to Planned Parenthood, I took her with me.
Kids these days have a lot more to be worried about than just pregnancy - giving them the tools and information to deal is the only thing that's going to keep them safe.
Talk about drugs and partying - Call when you need help, no judgment The summer before my daughter started senior high school, we went on a long bike ride.
I took the opportunity during a break to talk about drugs and partying with her.
"I'm no dummy, I know what will go on in High School".
I talked about drinking and being aware of how much her body weight could take.
We covered the dangers of binge drinking and the stupidity of "experimenting" with drugs.
I mostly stressed her safety.
"I trust you.
You have proven to me that you have good judgment; but I can't speak for your friends.
If you find yourself in a place where you can't get home safely with a sober driver, then call me.
Anytime, any place, I'll come and get you with no retribution or judgment.
If you don't call me and get into trouble - then your ass is mine and there will be hell to pay.
" I've never gotten that call, but I'm still ready for it.
Chores and expectations Everyone who lives in a household should contribute to its upkeep.
I've always been a working mom, but even if I wasn't I'd still believe this.
Little kids can pick up toys, bigger ones can put the dishes away and teenagers can cook and do their own laundry.
When we moved into a new house after my divorce I had the opportunity to install a dishwasher.
I told the kids at that point, "If I do this, then I never have to clean up the kitchen again.
" That has remained 90% true to this day.
Kids (and husbands for that matter) may not clean up the way you would, but you have to accept that.
Whether you teach them over time how to do more and better, or you just come in later to wipe down counters after the dishwasher's been loaded, you still need to let them do their share.
If you constantly take over while they're trying, then all you've done is confirm their failure and taken back the work for yourself.
One of my mantras has been to never let a child leave my house without knowing how to cook a meal and know how to clean up after themselves.
That also means letting them make mistakes to learn by.
When my son made chili the other night he forgot to cook the meat first.
My daughter caught this and insisted that he pull out another pot to cook the meat and then throw it into the pot with the beans and spices.
By the time I got home, it was simmering and quite delicious.
Who cares about having to clean another pot? He'll never make that mistake again and how many teenage boys do you know that can make a great pot of chili? Giving breathing room I heard a story once about a family that was very protective and restrictive with their daughter.
Apparently during High School she was never allowed to date or go out.
When she got to college, she disappeared - literally.
She left school and the parents have no idea where she is or how she's doing.
This is one of the saddest stories I know.
When my daughter was 12, we had moved to a house that was just a few blocks from a local summer festival.
When I had walked through there earlier, I'd seen dozens of tweens and teens having fun.
I encouraged her to go out and have some fun, talked about the safest route and asked her to be home by 10.
Her eyes lit up - she'd never done anything like this before and I think it was a little scary as well as exciting.
She went, she had fun and was home by 9:45.
I always want to be in touch with my children, but that also means letting them go.
Letting them make their own mistakes, letting them learn to trust their own judgment.
If you do that, then maybe when they need advise or help, they'll know they always have a safe non-judgmental place to come to.
Young adults at home Obligations, Paying Rent and Freedom to do what they want My college age daughter moved back home for a while.
She'd had 2 years on her own, but finances make this the best choice right for the moment.
I love it when I hear her and her brother debating the finer points of a class or book or comic book character.
She pays me a modest amount of rent, that fits her modest income.
I think things that come absolutely free don't hold much value.
She contributes to the housekeeping just like she used to.
She respects my house rules, but knows that it's her house too and friends are welcome.
When the boyfriend comes into town, (yes the same one!) I don't make a fuss about him sleeping in her room.
When she goes out I don't ask a ton of probing questions, but she has the courtesy to tell me when she's expected home, so I know she's safe.
My only demanding expectation is that she keep her grades up.
My hope is that I've given her enough skills for her to figure out the rest on her own.
When the boyfriend moved here, he stayed with us for a while until they both had work and could afford to move out.
The rent went up and I expected him to chip in on the chores too! I know someone who had her full grown (in her 30's) daughter living in her house.
This daughter pays no rent, makes no contribution to the household and in fact makes it necessary for her to hire a cleaning service in part because she is such a slob.
You may think that this daughter is spoiled and you'd be right.
If her mother has never required her to carry her own weight and support herself then shame on both of them.
Nobody said raising kids was easy - personally, I think it's designed to be one of the most difficult, eye-opening, creative, challenging and fulfilling things you'll ever do.
Starting with a basic consistent structure goes a long way to having the great kids you always wanted.
They came out nothing like I expected, (my daughter denied me tea parties and climbed trees, my son prefers video games to catching frogs) but they are everything I ever wanted.
Smart, funny and eating me out of house and home.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Many people have commented to me over the years about how lucky I am to have such "good" kids - which of course means well behaved.
I've no doubt that luck had something to do with it; they were both born healthy with good natural intelligence, but I'd like to believe that most of their "goodness" came from a nurturing loving environment that had the right balance of structure and freedom.
Am I the perfect mother? No, but I do think I have a few nuggets of wisdom to pass on.
Little kids Say what you mean, mean what you say I had a neighbor once with 3 kids of similar ages to my own.
Her 2 oldest were boys that were not only rambunctious, but sometimes they were downright mean and evil.
The last time they were at my house, they were tearing around the yard causing damage and my neighbor yelled "If you boys don't stop that, you're never going to see Grandma again!" This slowed them down for maybe 5 minutes.
Threats are no good and in fact counter productive if they hold no weight.
Do you think she meant this? I certainly didn't and neither did the boys.
Little kids have ultimate faith in your god-like status.
The only way to maintain that and in turn maintain discipline is to only threaten what you can live with.
A personal favorite is bedtime stories.
Kids love them.
Taking them away if they don't behave or don't do something asked is easy.
It makes them think twice because they will miss a ritual that they love and not doing it gives you 20 extra minutes at night.
Before submitting any kind of threat; think first.
Is this something I can live with? Taking away television for 2 hours may make your kid unhappy, but can you live with them being bored during that time, or are you willing to get on the floor and play with them instead? If you don't stick to the threat, then you've gained nothing and made it twice as hard for the next time.
If you continue issuing empty threats then you need to read Peter and the Wolf to your kids.
When you finally do really mean it, no one will take you seriously.
Thriving on knowing what's coming next My mom had a standing rule when we went to the grocery store.
Every time before we went in she would get down at eye level and say, "You may pick out 1 thing.
It can be your favorite cereal, or a toy, but only one thing.
After you've picked out that one thing then that's it, you can't beg for anything else.
" How many times have you seen a kid having a tantrum in the store? Except for the time I got my tongue stuck on a frozen juice can and started crying, I never did.
My kids never did either; because like me at that age, they new what to expect and what the rules were.
Kids love rules and will follow them religiously, as long as they're clear, fair and consistent.
You can't always take them with you My boss had a client once that had an adopted daughter.
He and his wife had waited many years to get her and treated her like a princess.
When he came into town for a business meeting, the whole family often came in with him.
We were sitting at an expensive restaurant one night, after 9pm and the little 2 year old girl was with us.
Kids and white tablecloth restaurants don't mix.
They can't sit there quietly for 30 minutes, much less 3 hours.
By the time coffee was served, she was tired and cranky.
Before anyone saw what was going on, she took her mother's hot cup of coffee and dumped it into her lap.
Having kids means that your life has changed and at least while they're little, your social life cannot remain the same.
That's just the way it is, live with it.
You can learn to love family restaurants, or accept the fact that baby sitters are expensive.
But going to formal adult functions with small children in tow is not only unfair to everyone else at the function; it's really unfair to the kid.
Little bodies need a regular, predictable schedule and an early bed time.
When they get this, they thrive, when they don't, monsters are created.
Unexpected things always happen, schedules can't always stay in concrete, but every effort to maintain them will pay you back in rested, happy kids.
Daycare - Choosing and living with providers I always envied Moms who chose to stay home.
I never had that financial luxury, so it never felt like a choice I could make.
It wasn't like I was an executive, far from it, there were many years when making ends meet was the goal.
I was back to work after 12 weeks with both of my kids.
There was a period when my daughter was 2 and we had just moved to rural Michigan and were trying to start a business that I stayed home with her.
She was growing out of her afternoon nap and what ever was going on that day, I really needed her to take the nap.
The 3rd time she got out of bed and into my hair, I carried her upstairs, practically threw her on the bed, told her to NEVER get out of bed without my permission and slammed the door.
She didn't leave her room without permission for 6 months and I felt terrible.
I found a job soon after that.
I think I can honestly say that my kids are alive and well today because I went back to work.
Choosing daycare providers is an emotional experience.
That's a good thing.
You want your gut to scream at you if you're uncomfortable with who you're interviewing.
There will always be some compromise.
Whom ever you hire, nanny, home provider or group daycare; none of them are you.
None of them will care for your child like you do.
You want to find someone who is intelligent and trustworthy.
If they're taking care of other kids, do those kids seem like good matches to yours? (The very first woman I interviewed had 2 extremely active toddler boys in her care.
My vision of them sitting on my darling newborn girl while this woman encouraged them sent me right out the door.
) Consider this; nothing is permanent.
Your current sitter will move or you will move or something else will cause a change.
The good news is that after the first round if interviews it does get easier.
The bad news is that all arrangements are a house of cards; sitters have sick days too.
Or, if you find yourself in an unacceptable situation as I once did, then do not hesitate, get your kid out.
Missing work because of lack of daycare is not pretty, but having your kid in an un-safe or un-desirable environment is way worse.
Always make as many contingency plans as possible ahead of time.
The other common issue is what type of provider to look for.
That depends a lot on your finances.
I was never able to afford a nanny, but for the most part I liked the homes I had my kids in.
I personally feel that when they're babies, being in a small (under 6 kids) home is the best.
That way they are generally dealing with one Mom and her family as a provider and most of the women who choose to do this are genuinely invested in the kids they care for.
When the kids are fully potty trained, then it's time to think about a regular daycare center.
At that point, learning how to deal with a larger group of kids is an excellent school prep.
Do ask about staff turnover.
If no one has been there over 6 months then it is a sign of trouble with the management and could be a problem for the kids.
Mom is the continuity Interviewing daycare providers for my first born tiny 3 month baby girl was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in this life.
How could I just leave her alone with a stranger all day? When I finally did go back to work, I was racked with guilt.
She saw me for an hour in the morning and maybe 2 before bed; I was sure she would be more attached to her sitter than she would be to me.
Two kids and 10 providers later - they only have very vague memories of pre-school daycares and no memories of the early in home providers; but they know who I am.
I'm the one who has been with them everyday.
I am the one that has been consistent in their lives.
Bigger kids Being treated like a human being.
I have an old college roommate that I've kept in touch with for many years.
Our boys are only 6 months apart and when we got together it was great fun to see them bond over Yugio cards or video games.
The last visit was when the boys were 15.
Her family came for a visit, but it was like meeting strangers at the door.
Instead of happy kids I was met with sullen teenagers.
I must admit that my teenage son is not the chatty kid he once was, but her kids were dark and depressing.
What had happened? I found out by dinner time.
My friend had always been a bit on the dark and complaining side, but apparently over the last few years, this tendency had taken over.
She sat there while we were all at the dinner table and made fun of her son's desire to go to medical school.
"His grades are too poor, he has no work ethic and at this point it's too late to learn that.
" She put down her daughter in similar ways.
My kids were horrified and embarrassed for her kids.
Her husband said nothing.
A work ethic and good grades some from a combination of natural ability, mimicry of the parents work ethic, parental awareness of what's happening at school and homework discipline at home.
But, before any of that can happen, the kid has to believe in his own abilities.
That comes from positive reinforcement.
Our primary job as parents is to give the next generation the tools they need to make it on their own in a productive way.
If they believe they can, then they probably will.
If they're constantly reminded that they're worthless, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also believe that it's never too late.
Bad habits can be hard to get rid of, but good ones can always be learned and encouraged.
Standards also need to be set.
My kids probably think I am too much of a task master over grades.
They also know that bringing home anything less than a B on a consistent basis is a call to action on my part and not acceptable.
My kids and I had more than one tense conversation over work ethics, habits and grades.
They know what I expect of them.
They also know that if they need any help that I'm the first one in line to make sure they get what they need.
My son struggled in honors chemistry his sophomore year.
A teacher in his last of 39 years and a badly taught section contributed to this.
I knew that colleges don't care about those circumstances, they only see grade averages.
So yes, I harangued him most of the semester over this, threatening to make the Xbox disappear over the summer (I can live with that.
) I also said over and over, "Ask your sister for help, or get a tutor if you need it, but I know you can conquer this and bring the grade up.
You have the ability.
" When he aced the final and changed the C into a B, I was more proud of that than the 2 A's he got.
Big kids are not adults yet, but they are human beings.
They deserve respect.
If you can respect them, then as a bonus, they will respect you and your wishes as well.
Perhaps even more importantly than little kids they also need regular positive reinforcement of their own abilities.
Teenagers have enough to feel bad and self-conscious about; you don't need to add to that.
Don't hide sex I was having lunch with some co-workers one day and the subject of movies and kids came up.
One woman spoke at great length about how she "shielded" her kids.
If boobs came on the screen, she would rush to cover their eyes.
She tried to carefully screen everything her kids watched.
All I could think was "I don't do that.
" Now, don't get me wrong.
I think parents need to be cognizant of what their kids are watching and that different ages have different needs.
I think boobs popping up is a wonderful way to mention how most women are not built like that, or how silly or touching the scene is.
Or, it's an opportunity to just not make a big deal out of it.
I'd much rather say something against the gratuitous violence.
I think over active "protecting" is like not telling kids to stay away from a hot stove.
What they don't know can hurt them.
Use those scenes to teach them about birth control, safe sex and intelligent choices.
What you don't tell them, they will find from some other source and that may not be the presentation you had in mind.
If this subject makes you squeamish - get over it! Only kids armed with good information can make good choices.
My daughter has had the same boyfriend since 9th grade, which is more than I can say.
Before her senior year I took her to the Dr.
for birth control.
They had not gone that far yet, but let's be real.
I was glad that she was showing better judgment than I did at that age, but I also wanted her to be fully prepared.
My mom figured out I was on the pill in High School.
Instead of being a raving lunatic about it, she was completely non-judgmental, open and supportive about it.
I thought that was so cool, that the next time I went to Planned Parenthood, I took her with me.
Kids these days have a lot more to be worried about than just pregnancy - giving them the tools and information to deal is the only thing that's going to keep them safe.
Talk about drugs and partying - Call when you need help, no judgment The summer before my daughter started senior high school, we went on a long bike ride.
I took the opportunity during a break to talk about drugs and partying with her.
"I'm no dummy, I know what will go on in High School".
I talked about drinking and being aware of how much her body weight could take.
We covered the dangers of binge drinking and the stupidity of "experimenting" with drugs.
I mostly stressed her safety.
"I trust you.
You have proven to me that you have good judgment; but I can't speak for your friends.
If you find yourself in a place where you can't get home safely with a sober driver, then call me.
Anytime, any place, I'll come and get you with no retribution or judgment.
If you don't call me and get into trouble - then your ass is mine and there will be hell to pay.
" I've never gotten that call, but I'm still ready for it.
Chores and expectations Everyone who lives in a household should contribute to its upkeep.
I've always been a working mom, but even if I wasn't I'd still believe this.
Little kids can pick up toys, bigger ones can put the dishes away and teenagers can cook and do their own laundry.
When we moved into a new house after my divorce I had the opportunity to install a dishwasher.
I told the kids at that point, "If I do this, then I never have to clean up the kitchen again.
" That has remained 90% true to this day.
Kids (and husbands for that matter) may not clean up the way you would, but you have to accept that.
Whether you teach them over time how to do more and better, or you just come in later to wipe down counters after the dishwasher's been loaded, you still need to let them do their share.
If you constantly take over while they're trying, then all you've done is confirm their failure and taken back the work for yourself.
One of my mantras has been to never let a child leave my house without knowing how to cook a meal and know how to clean up after themselves.
That also means letting them make mistakes to learn by.
When my son made chili the other night he forgot to cook the meat first.
My daughter caught this and insisted that he pull out another pot to cook the meat and then throw it into the pot with the beans and spices.
By the time I got home, it was simmering and quite delicious.
Who cares about having to clean another pot? He'll never make that mistake again and how many teenage boys do you know that can make a great pot of chili? Giving breathing room I heard a story once about a family that was very protective and restrictive with their daughter.
Apparently during High School she was never allowed to date or go out.
When she got to college, she disappeared - literally.
She left school and the parents have no idea where she is or how she's doing.
This is one of the saddest stories I know.
When my daughter was 12, we had moved to a house that was just a few blocks from a local summer festival.
When I had walked through there earlier, I'd seen dozens of tweens and teens having fun.
I encouraged her to go out and have some fun, talked about the safest route and asked her to be home by 10.
Her eyes lit up - she'd never done anything like this before and I think it was a little scary as well as exciting.
She went, she had fun and was home by 9:45.
I always want to be in touch with my children, but that also means letting them go.
Letting them make their own mistakes, letting them learn to trust their own judgment.
If you do that, then maybe when they need advise or help, they'll know they always have a safe non-judgmental place to come to.
Young adults at home Obligations, Paying Rent and Freedom to do what they want My college age daughter moved back home for a while.
She'd had 2 years on her own, but finances make this the best choice right for the moment.
I love it when I hear her and her brother debating the finer points of a class or book or comic book character.
She pays me a modest amount of rent, that fits her modest income.
I think things that come absolutely free don't hold much value.
She contributes to the housekeeping just like she used to.
She respects my house rules, but knows that it's her house too and friends are welcome.
When the boyfriend comes into town, (yes the same one!) I don't make a fuss about him sleeping in her room.
When she goes out I don't ask a ton of probing questions, but she has the courtesy to tell me when she's expected home, so I know she's safe.
My only demanding expectation is that she keep her grades up.
My hope is that I've given her enough skills for her to figure out the rest on her own.
When the boyfriend moved here, he stayed with us for a while until they both had work and could afford to move out.
The rent went up and I expected him to chip in on the chores too! I know someone who had her full grown (in her 30's) daughter living in her house.
This daughter pays no rent, makes no contribution to the household and in fact makes it necessary for her to hire a cleaning service in part because she is such a slob.
You may think that this daughter is spoiled and you'd be right.
If her mother has never required her to carry her own weight and support herself then shame on both of them.
Nobody said raising kids was easy - personally, I think it's designed to be one of the most difficult, eye-opening, creative, challenging and fulfilling things you'll ever do.
Starting with a basic consistent structure goes a long way to having the great kids you always wanted.