Substance Abuse affects everybody.
We all know someone whom "addiction" has touched.
The fabric of our society is shot through with it.
It destroys lives and families.
It can lead to insanity, jail or death.
It makes a person do things he or she would not normally do.
It changes a person inside and out.
It takes hold of a person and does not let go.
It is a living hell that no person should go through.
But many of us do.
The question that must be asked is, "why?" Why would someone continually put a substance into their body that they know is killing them and could cost them everything they love and care about? Why would a person allow themselves to be drawn to a place where police will not go, without "guns drawn.
" Why would a a drug, or a drink, become more important than one's own life and...
one's own family? The answer is, because it "MADE ME FEEL GOOD!" Not just good, but wonderful, adjusted, and relaxed.
It took away my fear and my anxiety! It eased or removed the pain I felt each day.
It took away my dis-ease.
I loved to party and I loved the "feeling that alcohol and "other substances" produced.
I hated the smell of alcohol, I hated the taste of it, but I loved the way it made me feel.
I drank for one reason and one reason only...
the effect it produced.
Unfortunately, it doesn't last.
The feeling that I was seeking was becoming harder and harder to obtain.
I needed to drink more, try different drinks and ultimately use drugs to overcome the tolerance my body had developed.
I tried over and over again to get this same feeling back.
My addiction began to rule my life.
It was the only thing that was important to me.
I spent most of my time trying to obtain something to drink or search for someone with a drug.
Then countless hours partying (if that's want I want to call it), then a pass-out sleep.
I would awaken feeling sick with my first conscious thought being, "Do I have any drugs to take or anything to drink leftover?" I begun to do crazy things like, riding a bike in the dead of winter to go to a liquor store.
I would owe everybody money for drugs, "I had promised to pay on Friday.
" I had a menial job that required no thought and very little effort..
...
and I was about to be fired.
I would leave for lunch, get drunk, fall asleep and not return to work.
I was driving "under the influence" every day.
I would drive with my head out the window trying to "get some air" and to see where I was going.
Nobody wanted to be around me, and that was fine with me, because I didn't want friends around anyway.
Unless of course, they had something I wanted.
But most of them caught on to this quickly.
I preferred to drink and drug alone.
I considered sitting in a tavern ridiculous, why would I want to pay a lot of money for one little drink, when I could get a bottle and be by myself.
If I was capable of anything at this time it was to hide my addiction from those close to me.
I would drink and drug alone, I would tell them I was sick with headache or some other excuse to cover up my physical appearance.
I was newly married and my wife began to suspect things, but being a trusting person and out of the house often with her own job, I was able to side step her.
She tells me now that she knew something was wrong, but wasn't quite sure.
She knew "everybody partied some", and just being married, she would not allow herself to think that she had married an alcoholic and drug addict.
I really was very good at manipulating the people around me.
When questioned, I would become indignant and throw it back on them.
I used the "love' people had for me and turned it inside out to hide my addiction.
But soon my addiction became to much for me to handle .
There were too many lies out there to keep straight.
Too many people calling my house looking "for their money.
" I was out of chances with my job, I had no money, and stole from our household money.
I was sick physically, mentally, ...
and "spiritually".
I felt sick, I looked sick, and the only thing I could think of was how and when I could "use".
On top of all this, when I did drink I would "blackout", which means I would continue to drink and act crazy and not remember any of it the next day.
People (those still talking to me) started to call me and ask if I was alright after what had happened last night?" I would have wounds all over me, along with vomit and some blood..
...
and I didn't remember any of it.
These substances that tended to my every need became my hell, my addiction.
These same substances that empowered me, I was now powerless against.
They turned from eliminating my dis-ease, to becoming "my Disease.
" A disease of my mind, body, and spirit, that cost me my dignity, my health, almost everything I had.
The horror of that time is indescribable.
I had no where to turn and I knew I couldn't drink and I also knew I couldn't "not drink".
I was living in hell.
And my one thought through all this was, "where am I going to get my next drink?" This is my story.
And my hope is to help other's, the same way I have been helped.
Which is the purpose of this blog..
..
to describe what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now.
Which is to say, I will share with you, my experience, strength and hope!
We all know someone whom "addiction" has touched.
The fabric of our society is shot through with it.
It destroys lives and families.
It can lead to insanity, jail or death.
It makes a person do things he or she would not normally do.
It changes a person inside and out.
It takes hold of a person and does not let go.
It is a living hell that no person should go through.
But many of us do.
The question that must be asked is, "why?" Why would someone continually put a substance into their body that they know is killing them and could cost them everything they love and care about? Why would a person allow themselves to be drawn to a place where police will not go, without "guns drawn.
" Why would a a drug, or a drink, become more important than one's own life and...
one's own family? The answer is, because it "MADE ME FEEL GOOD!" Not just good, but wonderful, adjusted, and relaxed.
It took away my fear and my anxiety! It eased or removed the pain I felt each day.
It took away my dis-ease.
I loved to party and I loved the "feeling that alcohol and "other substances" produced.
I hated the smell of alcohol, I hated the taste of it, but I loved the way it made me feel.
I drank for one reason and one reason only...
the effect it produced.
Unfortunately, it doesn't last.
The feeling that I was seeking was becoming harder and harder to obtain.
I needed to drink more, try different drinks and ultimately use drugs to overcome the tolerance my body had developed.
I tried over and over again to get this same feeling back.
My addiction began to rule my life.
It was the only thing that was important to me.
I spent most of my time trying to obtain something to drink or search for someone with a drug.
Then countless hours partying (if that's want I want to call it), then a pass-out sleep.
I would awaken feeling sick with my first conscious thought being, "Do I have any drugs to take or anything to drink leftover?" I begun to do crazy things like, riding a bike in the dead of winter to go to a liquor store.
I would owe everybody money for drugs, "I had promised to pay on Friday.
" I had a menial job that required no thought and very little effort..
...
and I was about to be fired.
I would leave for lunch, get drunk, fall asleep and not return to work.
I was driving "under the influence" every day.
I would drive with my head out the window trying to "get some air" and to see where I was going.
Nobody wanted to be around me, and that was fine with me, because I didn't want friends around anyway.
Unless of course, they had something I wanted.
But most of them caught on to this quickly.
I preferred to drink and drug alone.
I considered sitting in a tavern ridiculous, why would I want to pay a lot of money for one little drink, when I could get a bottle and be by myself.
If I was capable of anything at this time it was to hide my addiction from those close to me.
I would drink and drug alone, I would tell them I was sick with headache or some other excuse to cover up my physical appearance.
I was newly married and my wife began to suspect things, but being a trusting person and out of the house often with her own job, I was able to side step her.
She tells me now that she knew something was wrong, but wasn't quite sure.
She knew "everybody partied some", and just being married, she would not allow herself to think that she had married an alcoholic and drug addict.
I really was very good at manipulating the people around me.
When questioned, I would become indignant and throw it back on them.
I used the "love' people had for me and turned it inside out to hide my addiction.
But soon my addiction became to much for me to handle .
There were too many lies out there to keep straight.
Too many people calling my house looking "for their money.
" I was out of chances with my job, I had no money, and stole from our household money.
I was sick physically, mentally, ...
and "spiritually".
I felt sick, I looked sick, and the only thing I could think of was how and when I could "use".
On top of all this, when I did drink I would "blackout", which means I would continue to drink and act crazy and not remember any of it the next day.
People (those still talking to me) started to call me and ask if I was alright after what had happened last night?" I would have wounds all over me, along with vomit and some blood..
...
and I didn't remember any of it.
These substances that tended to my every need became my hell, my addiction.
These same substances that empowered me, I was now powerless against.
They turned from eliminating my dis-ease, to becoming "my Disease.
" A disease of my mind, body, and spirit, that cost me my dignity, my health, almost everything I had.
The horror of that time is indescribable.
I had no where to turn and I knew I couldn't drink and I also knew I couldn't "not drink".
I was living in hell.
And my one thought through all this was, "where am I going to get my next drink?" This is my story.
And my hope is to help other's, the same way I have been helped.
Which is the purpose of this blog..
..
to describe what I was like, what happened, and what I am like now.
Which is to say, I will share with you, my experience, strength and hope!