Accept Your Partner's Friends
But... they're bad influences. Your first step in this case, according to Hartman? Taking a good, hard look at your partner. Is she becoming a messy drunk? Is he starting to act disrespectful? Birds of a feather don't always flock together: As long as your partner stays true-blue, staying mum about his/her friends is the path of least resistance. “The worst thing you can do is try to get [your partner] to see his friends for what they are, which forces him to go to their defense -- and his own defense for liking them,” says Hartman. That said, you can express your dislike of your parther's friends' behaviors, and explain why you feel that way. And try not to avoid these people altogether. “By refusing to socialize, you force your partner to choose,” notes clinical psychologist, Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.
But... they're idiots. The trick here is to handle your feelings in the most nonjudgmental way possible, says Hartman, because it’s counterproductive to call them idiots. "To insult a partner's friends is to insult your partner," she says. "It's rude and counterproductive."
Brosh agrees. "A healthy, evolved person chooses friends that inspire, support and share the same values on some level," she notes. "Calling someone’s friends 'idiots' is a direct criticism of the person who has those friendships." Her advice? Come from a place of curiosity. Try to understand what it is about these friendships that your partner enjoys -- it just might help you shift your "idiot" perspective. "I do think there can be a frank conversation without judgment," Brosh says.
But... they don’t want to know me. If you feel that's the case, "it's hard not to take this personally, particularly if you’re introverted or come from an upbringing where you weren't 'seen' or appreciated," says Brosh. That's why, in this scenario, it's worth discussing the issue with your partner. Say something like, "I’d like you to make more of an effort so your friends can get to know me." By wording it this way, you’re asking your partner to be sensitive to your plight, Brosh says. You're also learning how to insert yourself. This makes the conversation less “Your friends are jealous of me” and more “I want to be part of your life.”
Accept Your Partner's Friends
But... they're bad influences. Your first step in this case, according to Hartman? Taking a good, hard look at your partner. Is she becoming a messy drunk? Is he starting to act disrespectful? Birds of a feather don't always flock together: As long as your partner stays true-blue, staying mum about his/her friends is the path of least resistance. “The worst thing you can do is try to get [your partner] to see his friends for what they are, which forces him to go to their defense -- and his own defense for liking them,” says Hartman. That said, you can express your dislike of your parther's friends' behaviors, and explain why you feel that way. And try not to avoid these people altogether. “By refusing to socialize, you force your partner to choose,” notes clinical psychologist, Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.
But... they're idiots. The trick here is to handle your feelings in the most nonjudgmental way possible, says Hartman, because it’s counterproductive to call them idiots. "To insult a partner's friends is to insult your partner," she says. "It's rude and counterproductive."
Brosh agrees. "A healthy, evolved person chooses friends that inspire, support and share the same values on some level," she notes. "Calling someone’s friends 'idiots' is a direct criticism of the person who has those friendships." Her advice? Come from a place of curiosity. Try to understand what it is about these friendships that your partner enjoys -- it just might help you shift your "idiot" perspective. "I do think there can be a frank conversation without judgment," Brosh says.
But... they don’t want to know me. If you feel that's the case, "it's hard not to take this personally, particularly if you’re introverted or come from an upbringing where you weren't 'seen' or appreciated," says Brosh. That's why, in this scenario, it's worth discussing the issue with your partner. Say something like, "I’d like you to make more of an effort so your friends can get to know me." By wording it this way, you’re asking your partner to be sensitive to your plight, Brosh says. You're also learning how to insert yourself. This makes the conversation less “Your friends are jealous of me” and more “I want to be part of your life.”