As a mediator it is very common to work in a situation where a workplace relationship has been damaged and at least one person demands an apology.
The other person may be prepared to make an apology and even kick off the mediation meeting by spontaneously starting with an apology - a great start to the meeting? Not necessarily.
I recently facilitated a meeting that started with an apology and a hand extended across the table for a handshake - the hand floated for several seconds in anticipation of a positive response, then was awkwardly withdrawn as the other person looked away with arms crossed.
How many times have you seen a situation like this happen? Maybe you have been in a conflict and made an apology as a way of moving forward - but your gesture has been ignored or rejected? How did you respond? Were you tempted to give up? Did you feel hurt yourself? This situation is not unusual - we know that people will differ in their readiness to 'move forward' from conflict.
People will also have different needs.
Conflict resolution and recovery from conflict can also be awkward.
To help us with situations like this it is helpful to remember some of the common needs that arise in conflict resolution: • To be heard and feel the other person is making an effort to understand our perspective • Recognition that they have been affected and that their feelings matter • Acceptance of responsibility • An assurance of no repeat behaviour • Reputation restored, particularly when others have witnessed the conflict • Actions or behaviours that demonstrate trust and respect - more than just 'nice words' The more that a discussion addresses these types of needs - the greater the likelihood that the strength of emotions can be reduced and that people can feel ready to 'move on'.
With reference to my example above of the 'lonely handshake' - the meeting still did not end with a handshake - but there was an acceptance by both people that they had made a step forward in understanding each other and re-building the trust that was needed for their ongoing work together.
I find this type of example to be a good reminder that we should not invest all our hopes that a single meeting or conversation will suddenly turn around a negative situation to a positive one.
Instead it is about re-building and learning through meaningful steps and not giving up because of 'awkward moments'.
The other person may be prepared to make an apology and even kick off the mediation meeting by spontaneously starting with an apology - a great start to the meeting? Not necessarily.
I recently facilitated a meeting that started with an apology and a hand extended across the table for a handshake - the hand floated for several seconds in anticipation of a positive response, then was awkwardly withdrawn as the other person looked away with arms crossed.
How many times have you seen a situation like this happen? Maybe you have been in a conflict and made an apology as a way of moving forward - but your gesture has been ignored or rejected? How did you respond? Were you tempted to give up? Did you feel hurt yourself? This situation is not unusual - we know that people will differ in their readiness to 'move forward' from conflict.
People will also have different needs.
Conflict resolution and recovery from conflict can also be awkward.
To help us with situations like this it is helpful to remember some of the common needs that arise in conflict resolution: • To be heard and feel the other person is making an effort to understand our perspective • Recognition that they have been affected and that their feelings matter • Acceptance of responsibility • An assurance of no repeat behaviour • Reputation restored, particularly when others have witnessed the conflict • Actions or behaviours that demonstrate trust and respect - more than just 'nice words' The more that a discussion addresses these types of needs - the greater the likelihood that the strength of emotions can be reduced and that people can feel ready to 'move on'.
With reference to my example above of the 'lonely handshake' - the meeting still did not end with a handshake - but there was an acceptance by both people that they had made a step forward in understanding each other and re-building the trust that was needed for their ongoing work together.
I find this type of example to be a good reminder that we should not invest all our hopes that a single meeting or conversation will suddenly turn around a negative situation to a positive one.
Instead it is about re-building and learning through meaningful steps and not giving up because of 'awkward moments'.