I've just returned from my yearly August pilgrimage to the beach.
It was, as always, wonderful.
As I sat on the beach, alternately staring at the ocean in search of dolphins and enjoying watching the people around me, I was struck this year by two very different parenting styles on the beach.
Style #1 - I will call The Instructive Parent.
In this style, parents are "helpfully" instructing their young children on how to play in the sand.
There is instruction on the right way to use a shovel, the merits of wet over dry sand, the importance of digging a hole and persisting at it, how and when to use a sieve, directions toward the goal of a sand castle, and so on and so on.
Children are repeatedly instructed and corrected.
The whole operation appears to be based on the premise that there is a right and a wrong way to play in the sand.
In no case did I overhear a child ASKING for any such instruction.
Style #2 - I will call the Permissive Parent.
In this style, parents provide some sand toys, and, obviously, the beach.
Although there may be instruction not to throw sand, there were no other perceptible instructions.
Children were simply left alone to play in the sand, with or without the provided toys, in whatever way they wished.
Sometimes there was a progressive hole, sometimes there wasn't.
Sometimes there was something that appeared to be progressive construction, sometimes there wasn't.
I occasionally perceived a child requesting buckets of water to be carried by a parent from the surf to the beach.
I saw children persist and problem-solve when their sand molds repeatedly yielded a loose pile of sand instead of a molded shape.
I saw kids dig holes bigger than themselves; and I saw kids dig in such random fashion that a hole never materialized.
All of these kids appeared thoroughly engaged and satisfied.
None of them seemed to require or demand any additional instruction.
Occasionally I saw one of these kids request an adult's participation, but only under the CHILD'S instructions and direction ("Dig here, Daddy", or "Make a pile here, Mommy", or "Do it this way, Aunt Liza").
My sense of it was that children of Permissive Parents had a longer lasting and more satisfying engagement with sand play.
Children of Instructive Parents seemed to lose interest faster and demonstrate less initiative with further sand play.
As parents we often feel a responsibility to guide our children, which is appropriate.
It's important however to recognize that sometimes what we're responsible for is providing opportunities for our children to find their own way of engaging with the world.
Yes, teach your 16 year old children to drive, and be very specific about the right and legal way to do things.
There are many circumstance however where providing opportunities and equipment is all that we should be providing.
Creativity and independence require the fertility of fewer constraints and fewer instructions.
When children are given the freedom to create their own games and their own ways of engaging, they develop independence, nurture their imaginations, and have the opportunity to engage in the ways that best suit their own personal styles.
They are more likely to develop their self-sufficiency rather than their dependence on frequent parental input.
There are enough times in their lives where they have to conform, where they have to learn the "right" way.
It's our responsibility as parents to ensure that they have as many opportunities as possible to do things in their own way.
The only "right" way to play in the sand is the way that is, for that person, fun (and which doesn't result in sand or tools being thrown at another person).
It's okay to provide "technical support", but only when requested.
After all, the Help Desk doesn't call you on the phone and tell you how to do things.
It waits until you call it.
It was, as always, wonderful.
As I sat on the beach, alternately staring at the ocean in search of dolphins and enjoying watching the people around me, I was struck this year by two very different parenting styles on the beach.
Style #1 - I will call The Instructive Parent.
In this style, parents are "helpfully" instructing their young children on how to play in the sand.
There is instruction on the right way to use a shovel, the merits of wet over dry sand, the importance of digging a hole and persisting at it, how and when to use a sieve, directions toward the goal of a sand castle, and so on and so on.
Children are repeatedly instructed and corrected.
The whole operation appears to be based on the premise that there is a right and a wrong way to play in the sand.
In no case did I overhear a child ASKING for any such instruction.
Style #2 - I will call the Permissive Parent.
In this style, parents provide some sand toys, and, obviously, the beach.
Although there may be instruction not to throw sand, there were no other perceptible instructions.
Children were simply left alone to play in the sand, with or without the provided toys, in whatever way they wished.
Sometimes there was a progressive hole, sometimes there wasn't.
Sometimes there was something that appeared to be progressive construction, sometimes there wasn't.
I occasionally perceived a child requesting buckets of water to be carried by a parent from the surf to the beach.
I saw children persist and problem-solve when their sand molds repeatedly yielded a loose pile of sand instead of a molded shape.
I saw kids dig holes bigger than themselves; and I saw kids dig in such random fashion that a hole never materialized.
All of these kids appeared thoroughly engaged and satisfied.
None of them seemed to require or demand any additional instruction.
Occasionally I saw one of these kids request an adult's participation, but only under the CHILD'S instructions and direction ("Dig here, Daddy", or "Make a pile here, Mommy", or "Do it this way, Aunt Liza").
My sense of it was that children of Permissive Parents had a longer lasting and more satisfying engagement with sand play.
Children of Instructive Parents seemed to lose interest faster and demonstrate less initiative with further sand play.
As parents we often feel a responsibility to guide our children, which is appropriate.
It's important however to recognize that sometimes what we're responsible for is providing opportunities for our children to find their own way of engaging with the world.
Yes, teach your 16 year old children to drive, and be very specific about the right and legal way to do things.
There are many circumstance however where providing opportunities and equipment is all that we should be providing.
Creativity and independence require the fertility of fewer constraints and fewer instructions.
When children are given the freedom to create their own games and their own ways of engaging, they develop independence, nurture their imaginations, and have the opportunity to engage in the ways that best suit their own personal styles.
They are more likely to develop their self-sufficiency rather than their dependence on frequent parental input.
There are enough times in their lives where they have to conform, where they have to learn the "right" way.
It's our responsibility as parents to ensure that they have as many opportunities as possible to do things in their own way.
The only "right" way to play in the sand is the way that is, for that person, fun (and which doesn't result in sand or tools being thrown at another person).
It's okay to provide "technical support", but only when requested.
After all, the Help Desk doesn't call you on the phone and tell you how to do things.
It waits until you call it.