When I work with couples who have virtually stopped making love, they want immediate solutions.
This is the nature of people in crisis.
"Just tell us what it will take to feel good about one another again," they say.
Their eagerness and willingness to do anything is definitely moving.
People who are going to lose something of value, in this case love and relationship, are often quite motivated to learn, until they realize that getting results means changing what they're doing.
When we begin to talk about making sex a practice, about commitment and transforming old habits, motivation starts to crumble.
When I suggest that a couple have sexual dates - that deeply connected lovemaking should have a place on the calendar -- with yoga, friends and weekends away - people's limiting beliefs about sex quickly surface.
This is a good thing.
There is where we start to ferret out what gets in the way of consistent, highly fulfilling and satisfying sex for you.
You can expect that when you begin to make changes in your sexual habits, you too might hit a wall of resistance.
I hear that planning for sex "is not romantic," that it lacks the element of surprise, that it's like being asked to "perform on demand.
" This from the same people who couldn't muster the energy or the time to make love for weeks on end! Where was their spontaneity back then? The reality is that the more you practice living out certain patterns, the less spontaneous you are.
And as much as you'd like to avoid planning for sex, and to be truly spontaneous as a lover, your patterns overtake your behavior.
And if one of those deeply ingrained patterns is sexual avoidance, you aren't going to have much sex or great sex.
When I am encouraging a couple to make a sacred lovemaking date, once a week, I'm encouraging a new pattern - and if they act on the new pattern enough times, it will replace the old pattern and great sex will bloom.
As you might imagine, this can bring up people's stuff.
For example, you might be accustomed to what I call, "unconscious sex.
" Meaning, you have a couple of glasses of wine and drop into bed with your partner, sort of half cognizant.
Or you roll onto one another in the morning and make a little quickie to get through, or take care of business in the shower, but avoid intimate and extended connection.
Conscious sex is eyes wide-open sex, literally and figuratively.
And it requires more of you than seeking pleasure and release.
When you plan for sex, for example, there is no doubt that: 1.
The two of you are sexual.
2.
You care about sex enough to give it space on the calendar 3.
You are not ashamed to admit that sex is pleasurable for you.
4.
You are making sex an important part of how you express love in your relationship.
I find that the people who are most resistant to planning sex are the ones most challenged by intimacy (by being open, seen and felt).
Planning sex, creating ritual for sex, is definitely intimate and it will dredge up your issues.
The benefit of this is healing your shame around sex and becoming an open lover.
I often hear the excuse, "We're busy.
" Yes, life can be busy.
All the more reason to prioritize.
What you don't prioritize gets lost -- and because being sexual calls you to open, and to stretch as a human being, it's easy to become distracted.
Making love requires energy, commitment and courage.
The most successful couples make a commitment to make love - and they commit to lovemaking dates.
Then best to let go of goals and expectations and allow love, feeling and action to flow.
By letting go of goals, (for orgasm, or any kind of achievement in bed), you invite this experience to be nurturing for you both - a place to replenish and to connect in love, rather than to achieve goals.
This is the heart of making love.
This is the nature of people in crisis.
"Just tell us what it will take to feel good about one another again," they say.
Their eagerness and willingness to do anything is definitely moving.
People who are going to lose something of value, in this case love and relationship, are often quite motivated to learn, until they realize that getting results means changing what they're doing.
When we begin to talk about making sex a practice, about commitment and transforming old habits, motivation starts to crumble.
When I suggest that a couple have sexual dates - that deeply connected lovemaking should have a place on the calendar -- with yoga, friends and weekends away - people's limiting beliefs about sex quickly surface.
This is a good thing.
There is where we start to ferret out what gets in the way of consistent, highly fulfilling and satisfying sex for you.
You can expect that when you begin to make changes in your sexual habits, you too might hit a wall of resistance.
I hear that planning for sex "is not romantic," that it lacks the element of surprise, that it's like being asked to "perform on demand.
" This from the same people who couldn't muster the energy or the time to make love for weeks on end! Where was their spontaneity back then? The reality is that the more you practice living out certain patterns, the less spontaneous you are.
And as much as you'd like to avoid planning for sex, and to be truly spontaneous as a lover, your patterns overtake your behavior.
And if one of those deeply ingrained patterns is sexual avoidance, you aren't going to have much sex or great sex.
When I am encouraging a couple to make a sacred lovemaking date, once a week, I'm encouraging a new pattern - and if they act on the new pattern enough times, it will replace the old pattern and great sex will bloom.
As you might imagine, this can bring up people's stuff.
For example, you might be accustomed to what I call, "unconscious sex.
" Meaning, you have a couple of glasses of wine and drop into bed with your partner, sort of half cognizant.
Or you roll onto one another in the morning and make a little quickie to get through, or take care of business in the shower, but avoid intimate and extended connection.
Conscious sex is eyes wide-open sex, literally and figuratively.
And it requires more of you than seeking pleasure and release.
When you plan for sex, for example, there is no doubt that: 1.
The two of you are sexual.
2.
You care about sex enough to give it space on the calendar 3.
You are not ashamed to admit that sex is pleasurable for you.
4.
You are making sex an important part of how you express love in your relationship.
I find that the people who are most resistant to planning sex are the ones most challenged by intimacy (by being open, seen and felt).
Planning sex, creating ritual for sex, is definitely intimate and it will dredge up your issues.
The benefit of this is healing your shame around sex and becoming an open lover.
I often hear the excuse, "We're busy.
" Yes, life can be busy.
All the more reason to prioritize.
What you don't prioritize gets lost -- and because being sexual calls you to open, and to stretch as a human being, it's easy to become distracted.
Making love requires energy, commitment and courage.
The most successful couples make a commitment to make love - and they commit to lovemaking dates.
Then best to let go of goals and expectations and allow love, feeling and action to flow.
By letting go of goals, (for orgasm, or any kind of achievement in bed), you invite this experience to be nurturing for you both - a place to replenish and to connect in love, rather than to achieve goals.
This is the heart of making love.