When you are faced with a crisis in your marriage relationship, like cheating, you realize that changes are needed.
You recognize that the relationship needs to be changed.
Although we all have relationships, many never seriously study how to change the relationships we are in.
Throughout our lives we are in relationships with people.
Some of the relationships are healthy and some are not healthy.
Some make us feel better about ourselves and some make us feel dirty, unwanted and used.
There are many reasons that people stay in unhealthy relationships.
Some stay due to insecurity issues, self-esteem issues, religious issues or even ignorance.
They want something better, but either don't know how to improve it, are scared to change anything or don't feel worthy of anything better.
We have a reciprocal interaction with relationships.
The relationships change us and we change them.
The mutual changing of person and relationship is a constant on-going interaction.
This interaction of how relationships change us and we change relationships is often referred to as 'relationship dynamics'.
Change is never a one-way process, even in relationships.
Although some counselor types claim that trying to change the relationship will lead to abject failure, the process constantly goes on despite what is claimed.
The relationship does not need the permission of a therapist to change.
You can change the relationship.
In your daily interactions, you change the relationship.
The relationship also moulds and shapes you as well.
Many of these changes occur either in subtle ways or in ways that people do not think about.
Some of the changes are temporary and some are more long term.
Some of the changes will take the relationship in a healthy, functional direction and some will take it in the other direction.
With relationships there are often healthy and unhealthy aspects that are being changed.
The fact that cheating changed your relationship is a testimony to how the relationship can be changed.
It is not by chance, that one of the terms used for counselors is 'change agents'.
In their training, they have studied how to change people.
Their training includes instruction in the many aspects of change, including what changes are dangerous, how fast to make changes, ways of making changes go smoother, and ways to create changes.
Some have also been trained in resistance to changes, and ways of handling those resistances.
Relationships can be changed in many ways.
Knowing what you want changed along with how you want things to change are important.
Changing relationships just for the sake of change often creates a 'chaotic' feel to the relationship.
People may use the term "crazy making", or "chaotic" in describing relationships with too much change going on.
At the opposite end of change is 'stability'.
When there is too much 'stability' there are problems of a different sort.
When there is resistance to change or too much stability, people often talk about feeling 'bored', 'dead' or 'lifeless'.
Healthy relationships have a balance between change and stability.
I mention change and stability because it is important to know if you want more stability or more change.
The relationship can be changed with interventions at either the level of the individual or the level of the relationship.
Much like we as humans have increasing levels of complexity in our functioning (e.
g.
cells, organs, specific organ systems, interactive organ systems, etc.
), the same increasing levels of complexity occur with people.
We have individuals, marriages, families, familial tribes, communities, etc.
Making change can occur at any level of complexity.
The lower the level of complexity that change is made at, the faster that change will occur.
Changes can be made at the relationship or marital level of the relationship.
Once the decision is made concerning what change is needed, then a choice is made on the best way to make this happen.
Making the change happen is often referred to as an 'intervention'.
What can be changed? Many things can be changed in a marital relationship.
Rather than allow yourself to be paralyzed by helplessness, focus on what can be altered or modified.
The following list is not complete, but it conveys some of the possible changed that can be made in a relationship.
-You can change who is considered 'in the family'.
-You can change how people enter/exit the family.
-You can change the frequency and type of communication within the family.
-You can changes in the relationship routines (dinner time, bed time, etc.
).
-You can change the responsibilities for the husband or wife.
-You can change the expectation of the role you are in.
-You can change the amount of accountability for the roles.
-You can change the priorities for each of the roles.
-You can change how you refer to your spouse -You can change your tone of voice when speaking to your spouse -You can modify the frequency of your communication with your spouse -You can change the way you communicate with your spouse (e.
g.
changing from text messages to phone calls).
-You can change the way you confront your spouse or interrupt their talking.
-You can change the way that you ask for your needs to be met.
-You can change the rules of how the two of you deal with disagreements.
You can change a marital relationship.
When one person changes, it changes the dynamics of what happens between them.
Even small, incremental changes often lead to major shifts in the relationship over time.
In making changes, there are many things to consider.
Some changes may have serious long term impact.
It is always helpful to discuss planned changes with a counselor before impulsively making changes just for the sake of making changes or blindly making changes, hoping it is the right one.
The consequence of not making any change is also dangerous.
Choosing to allow dysfunctional behavior to continue will not make it go away.
Allowing it to continue often sends a message of passive approval of the behavior.