When Raising Grandchildren Becomes a Grandmother"s Identity
It is alarming to read so many emails from grandmothers who state that the grandchildren they are raising give meaning to their lives in a way they did not have before.
They admit that their grandchildren have become their entire lives and raising them is what gives their lives purpose.
I admit I am just as guilty, so this is no insult to anyone, just an observation.
One sweet grandmother recently wrote me, upset.
She suffered from some form of disability and when she began raising her grandchildren three years ago, her life was renewed.
Raising them became her identity and meant everything to her.
The problem is now after three years, the children are returning to their father.
She is devastated.
Not only is she losing the children that feel like her very own, she is also losing her identity.
This is an extremely painful experience, as I am sure all grandmothers know who have experienced this.
I have experienced this first hand myself.
After my grandchildren went back to their mother after seven years, the depression and loss was almost more than I could bear.
I lost 20 pounds, which I did not need to lose, and I found pleasure in nothing, absolutely nothing.
I did not plant the raspberry bushes I had bought.
They dried up in the purchased containers.
I did not even pick the vegetables that I had planted.
Everything just withered away.
I went away for a couple of months hoping to recover.
I did not feel better.
I had lost my purpose.
I mean I had totally lost my purpose for even existing.
I knew I must have another purpose, but I could not see it.
I existed that way for months, several miserable months.
I have made this statement several times and I will state it again.
"God knew all along this was going to happen, even if I didn't.
" Obviously if you find yourself in this situation, it is vital that you find out who you are and what your purpose is that does not rely on being a mother, grandmother, spouse or something similar.
Those things can change and then you are left not knowing who you are or why you still exist.
Many of you will not have the same difficulty but this is written for those of you who do or might find yourself in this situation.
I do not have all of the answers, but I am painfully learning.
I believe it would be much healthier if we did not get ourselves in the predicament in the first place.
That is easy to say but hard to do.
As women it is very easy to have our entire lives center around our children or grandchildren.
In one sense that is what we want to do, but then when things are taken from us we may feel alone and useless.
When we are middle-aged and are thrust into the world of raising small children again, it is hard to be focused on multiple pursuits besides raising the children.
We are exhausted, aching, and perhaps overwhelmed.
But we love our grandchildren and want to make up for everything that may have been lacking in their lives.
It may totally consume us.
Then we neglect ourselves.
That is the question.
How do we not neglect ourselves while we care for these precious children? I could give a list of pat answers but each woman is an individual and each circumstance is different.
Fortunately for me I did still have clients that I do work for over the Internet.
I would force myself to keep contact with them and do what I needed to do, but sometimes there would be days that I never even went out of the house (plus the winter has been tough).
So I became deficient in Vitamin D and became more depressed.
Supplements helped with that.
So whether we are still raising our own children or are raising our grandchildren, we must not lose sight of who we are as individual women.
Besides raising grandchildren, we must learn and like who we are as just a person.
As for me at 56, I would like to get really good at something.
I mean "really good" at something that does not hinge on the fact of whether or not I am thin or heavy, pretty or plain, healthy or not healthy, a wonderful mother or grandmother or a terrible one, a happily married woman or single and lonely.
Since I am healthy, I most likely (unless something horrid happens) will live another 40 years.
That is plenty of time for me to improve my identity.
I just wish I had not neglected it over the past seven years.
They admit that their grandchildren have become their entire lives and raising them is what gives their lives purpose.
I admit I am just as guilty, so this is no insult to anyone, just an observation.
One sweet grandmother recently wrote me, upset.
She suffered from some form of disability and when she began raising her grandchildren three years ago, her life was renewed.
Raising them became her identity and meant everything to her.
The problem is now after three years, the children are returning to their father.
She is devastated.
Not only is she losing the children that feel like her very own, she is also losing her identity.
This is an extremely painful experience, as I am sure all grandmothers know who have experienced this.
I have experienced this first hand myself.
After my grandchildren went back to their mother after seven years, the depression and loss was almost more than I could bear.
I lost 20 pounds, which I did not need to lose, and I found pleasure in nothing, absolutely nothing.
I did not plant the raspberry bushes I had bought.
They dried up in the purchased containers.
I did not even pick the vegetables that I had planted.
Everything just withered away.
I went away for a couple of months hoping to recover.
I did not feel better.
I had lost my purpose.
I mean I had totally lost my purpose for even existing.
I knew I must have another purpose, but I could not see it.
I existed that way for months, several miserable months.
I have made this statement several times and I will state it again.
"God knew all along this was going to happen, even if I didn't.
" Obviously if you find yourself in this situation, it is vital that you find out who you are and what your purpose is that does not rely on being a mother, grandmother, spouse or something similar.
Those things can change and then you are left not knowing who you are or why you still exist.
Many of you will not have the same difficulty but this is written for those of you who do or might find yourself in this situation.
I do not have all of the answers, but I am painfully learning.
I believe it would be much healthier if we did not get ourselves in the predicament in the first place.
That is easy to say but hard to do.
As women it is very easy to have our entire lives center around our children or grandchildren.
In one sense that is what we want to do, but then when things are taken from us we may feel alone and useless.
When we are middle-aged and are thrust into the world of raising small children again, it is hard to be focused on multiple pursuits besides raising the children.
We are exhausted, aching, and perhaps overwhelmed.
But we love our grandchildren and want to make up for everything that may have been lacking in their lives.
It may totally consume us.
Then we neglect ourselves.
That is the question.
How do we not neglect ourselves while we care for these precious children? I could give a list of pat answers but each woman is an individual and each circumstance is different.
Fortunately for me I did still have clients that I do work for over the Internet.
I would force myself to keep contact with them and do what I needed to do, but sometimes there would be days that I never even went out of the house (plus the winter has been tough).
So I became deficient in Vitamin D and became more depressed.
Supplements helped with that.
So whether we are still raising our own children or are raising our grandchildren, we must not lose sight of who we are as individual women.
Besides raising grandchildren, we must learn and like who we are as just a person.
As for me at 56, I would like to get really good at something.
I mean "really good" at something that does not hinge on the fact of whether or not I am thin or heavy, pretty or plain, healthy or not healthy, a wonderful mother or grandmother or a terrible one, a happily married woman or single and lonely.
Since I am healthy, I most likely (unless something horrid happens) will live another 40 years.
That is plenty of time for me to improve my identity.
I just wish I had not neglected it over the past seven years.