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John McCain Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
"Earlier tonight, John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t – I didn't watch that because I'll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I'll watch Regis." --David Letterman
"In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop.
Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno
"They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno
"And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn’t it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'" --Jay Leno
"No, Senator McCain already showing tremendous faith in Palin as his vice presidential nominee. Like, did you notice after the speech last night, he came on stage, finally signed that do-not-resuscitate order." --Jay Leno
"John McCain lasted five and a half years in a P.O.W. camp in North Vietnam. Even he couldn’t get through Joe Lieberman's speech." --David Letterman
Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
"Delegates were captivated by Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman
"Hey, the Republican Convention is still going wild in scenic St.
Paul, Minnesota right now. Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker tonight. A lot of excitement. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel
The whole extended Palin family arrived this morning in St. Paul. They even brought the high-school kid who knocked her daughter up along. His name is Levi Johnston. That's gotta be a fun trip for him with the in-laws." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Senator McCain met the Palins as they got off the plane and had especially warm greetings for the young father-to-be [Doctored video of McCain discreetly slipping Johnston a prophylactic] Better late than never, I guess." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Joe Lieberman, who ran in 2000 as a Democrat with Al Gore, remember he was the vice presidential nominee, spoke last night at the Republican Convention. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That's like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally." --Jay Leno
"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but did you see last night? Did you see when Bush was speaking by satellite they kept trying to change the channel?" --Jay Leno
"And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno
"And Fred Thompson spoke to the Republican Convention last night. You know something? I think he may have said a little too much. You ever get the thing where you get too much information? He was talking very candidly about John McCain, and we like John McCain, he was kinda a wild guy as a young man, was in the Navy and all that. Well here's what he had to say, listen carefully: [Video: Thompson: 'In high school and the Naval Academy, John earned the reputation as a trouble-maker. He was the leader of the trouble-makers. In Pensacola in flight school, he did drive a Corvette and date a girl who worked in a bar as an (hand quotes) exotic dancer under the name of Marie: The Flame of Florida.' Thompson soundalike: 'I remember after a card game in Yuma, he beat a couple of drifters with a tire-iron and left them for dead.'] I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier tonight, President Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Or as Bush calls it, 'live via magic.' This year there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota." --Conan O'Brien
"There was talk about canceling the Republican Convention because of Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, at least not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping out during the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was good." --Jay Leno
"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long; Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan which I believe is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe and they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
John McCain Jokes
Sarah Palin Jokes
"Earlier tonight, John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t – I didn't watch that because I'll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I'll watch Regis." --David Letterman
"In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama…for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop.
Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno
"They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno
"And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn’t it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'" --Jay Leno
"No, Senator McCain already showing tremendous faith in Palin as his vice presidential nominee. Like, did you notice after the speech last night, he came on stage, finally signed that do-not-resuscitate order." --Jay Leno
"John McCain lasted five and a half years in a P.O.W. camp in North Vietnam. Even he couldn’t get through Joe Lieberman's speech." --David Letterman
Earlier tonight, I don't know if you saw it, Sarah Palin gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech." --David Letterman
"Delegates were captivated by Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman
"Hey, the Republican Convention is still going wild in scenic St.
Paul, Minnesota right now. Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker tonight. A lot of excitement. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel
The whole extended Palin family arrived this morning in St. Paul. They even brought the high-school kid who knocked her daughter up along. His name is Levi Johnston. That's gotta be a fun trip for him with the in-laws." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Senator McCain met the Palins as they got off the plane and had especially warm greetings for the young father-to-be [Doctored video of McCain discreetly slipping Johnston a prophylactic] Better late than never, I guess." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Joe Lieberman, who ran in 2000 as a Democrat with Al Gore, remember he was the vice presidential nominee, spoke last night at the Republican Convention. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That's like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally." --Jay Leno
"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno
"I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but did you see last night? Did you see when Bush was speaking by satellite they kept trying to change the channel?" --Jay Leno
"And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn't know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain." --Jay Leno
"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno
"And Fred Thompson spoke to the Republican Convention last night. You know something? I think he may have said a little too much. You ever get the thing where you get too much information? He was talking very candidly about John McCain, and we like John McCain, he was kinda a wild guy as a young man, was in the Navy and all that. Well here's what he had to say, listen carefully: [Video: Thompson: 'In high school and the Naval Academy, John earned the reputation as a trouble-maker. He was the leader of the trouble-makers. In Pensacola in flight school, he did drive a Corvette and date a girl who worked in a bar as an (hand quotes) exotic dancer under the name of Marie: The Flame of Florida.' Thompson soundalike: 'I remember after a card game in Yuma, he beat a couple of drifters with a tire-iron and left them for dead.'] I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper." --Jay Leno
"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight's Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier tonight, President Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Or as Bush calls it, 'live via magic.' This year there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota." --Conan O'Brien
"There was talk about canceling the Republican Convention because of Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, at least not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping out during the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was good." --Jay Leno
"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long; Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan which I believe is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe and they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman