This is a short piece about personal space and how difficult that can be to deal with in a new relationship. For those who are dating and looking to settle down with a partner, there are a few things to consider. For strong-willed and independent people, this can be a very difficult area.
For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work. Focus on common ground, that's what the negotiators say. These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material possessions around you.
How do Space Issues Arise?
Well, the issue first comes about when you agree where to live - her place or your place, or do you get a place together? Slowly, the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover's) pile of clothes, washbag and so on starts to accumulate at the emerging centre of gravity.
Secondly, maybe you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) - selling it or renting it out.
Developing Space Issues
You start to organise (hopefully) - you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy - that can be stressful in itself.
The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Finding space (without interruption) in someone else's place for this single-minded work can be difficult.
And it's not only physical space - it's mental space as well - space to think, even space to watch different TV shows.
Whose Rules Apply?
When you live in someone else's space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.
And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.
Symptoms
Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space (and failed), I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms.
If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think 'hey, that's my wall, we'll have what I like' then that's a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner's place and think 'no, I don't really want to live in a room with a purple wall' then that's a pointer to a problem.
These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.
Finding Solutions
The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.
You might see this as an opportunity and both dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together start to build up joint possessions together. But what if it goes wrong?
Another solution is to have periods apart - maybe short breaks visiting friends and family - some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn't work. I mean, why be together at all?
Then, getting away together into neutral space - say a weekend away - can also lower the temperature.
So, space can be an issue. Is it the Final Frontier after dating? Maybe - after all, when you cross a frontier, you get into new territory!
(c) 2010 Phil Marks
For success of course, then both lovers have to be committed to making things work. Focus on common ground, that's what the negotiators say. These issues can be more acute if you are not in the first flush of youth and have established your home and way of life, with a fair amount of material possessions around you.
How do Space Issues Arise?
Well, the issue first comes about when you agree where to live - her place or your place, or do you get a place together? Slowly, the centre of gravity moves one way or the other, and your (or your lover's) pile of clothes, washbag and so on starts to accumulate at the emerging centre of gravity.
Secondly, maybe you decide to give up your place (or your lover gives up theirs) - selling it or renting it out.
Developing Space Issues
You start to organise (hopefully) - you (or your other) clear out some drawers and cupboard space. Maybe you are tidy and your other is untidy - that can be stressful in itself.
The issues of space can be sharper if you work from home (as I now do) and the other person is there a lot of the time. Finding space (without interruption) in someone else's place for this single-minded work can be difficult.
And it's not only physical space - it's mental space as well - space to think, even space to watch different TV shows.
Whose Rules Apply?
When you live in someone else's space, then the house rules are theirs and it can be very frustrating that you have no call over the space or the rules. In my own place in another life I eventually learned to be very flexible, but if you are with someone who is very particular and set in their ways then that can be challenging.
And, as we get older and even more set in our ways, then the challenges can be greater.
Symptoms
Having lived with people who have found it difficult to have new partners in their space (and failed), I have become very aware of this issue, and the symptoms.
If you are both living in your place, then when the other person tries to express a strong opinion about, say, what colour a wall should be painted, and you think 'hey, that's my wall, we'll have what I like' then that's a sign, just thinking it. It works both ways, and if you are in your partner's place and think 'no, I don't really want to live in a room with a purple wall' then that's a pointer to a problem.
These sorts of issues can get magnified out of proportion when both of you are strong willed; if only one is strong willed then the other person could start to feel ridden over. This could lead to resentment.
Finding Solutions
The most obvious solution is to rent or buy a place together, though even that may not work for some couples.
You might see this as an opportunity and both dump a load of junk and baggage and focus on the bare minimum. You can then together start to build up joint possessions together. But what if it goes wrong?
Another solution is to have periods apart - maybe short breaks visiting friends and family - some couples even have holidays apart, but for me that wouldn't work. I mean, why be together at all?
Then, getting away together into neutral space - say a weekend away - can also lower the temperature.
So, space can be an issue. Is it the Final Frontier after dating? Maybe - after all, when you cross a frontier, you get into new territory!
(c) 2010 Phil Marks