You hear those four horrid words: "Let's just be friends" and your world shatters as your lover or boyfriend withdraws himself from the relationship.
You go along with it, thinking: "Being friends is better than not having him in my life at all, right?" Wrong! Recent amendments show that staying in contact with ex-lovers is detrimental not only to your own wellbeing, but to the friendship that could form if you allow yourself some time between the end of the relationship, and the slim prospect of you two reuniting.
Reasons for remaining friends are usually integrated into three categories, or "motives".
One: convenience and necessity (i.
e.
belonging to the same social circle as your ex), two: not wanting to lose the bond you once shared as lovers, and three: the hope of becoming romantically involved once more.
Though these may seem like good reasons to stay involved, but a recent survey shows that friendships between platonic males and females will experience a higher eminence of overall support, both emotional and corporeal, than a friendship formed between ex-lovers.
Ex-lovers were less likely to give emotional support, less likely to trust and disclose in one another, less likely to share good news, less likely to stand up for one another in absence of the other, less likely to volunteer help in time of need, and less likely to strive to make the other person happy.
But why such a morbid dynamic? It is because in the human realm, friendship is based on what the business world refers to as: "risk versus benefit".
This means that your intention as a friend, though self-seeking in its own manner, is there for your happiness and not the other way around.
Sure, you strive to make your friends happy and you may be there in a time of need, but in the end it all comes down to "me, me, me!"; it is a line in the sand.
The more compensations perceived by the friendship (e.
g.
having fun, feeling intellectually stimulated, and being emotionally supported), the closer your rapport will become.
In the same manner, the more costs perceived by the friendship (e.
g.
feeling bored, irritated, neglected, or detached), the more distant the friendship will become and the more likely it is to eventually disband.
Research shows that majority of people perceive greater benefit and less cost in their platonic friendships than their countering ex-lover friendships, and thus, they consider their platonic friendships to be a more fulfilling relationship.
So does this mean it is a wise idea not to stay involved in an ex's life? Take a couple of things into consideration before making your own conclusion.
Were you close friends prior to the relationship? If so, you may be able to counteract the "risk versus benefit" through sheer will of friendship; having been close before the relationship indicates more of a success rate.
How long have you known the person, even when not close to them in a friendly manner? And above all else, repeat in your mind the reasons you had for moving from friendship to lovers and see if any of those reasons was obscure.
If you got together for all the wrong reasons, chances are it's time to cut them loose and remain in contact, but maybe not "friends".
You go along with it, thinking: "Being friends is better than not having him in my life at all, right?" Wrong! Recent amendments show that staying in contact with ex-lovers is detrimental not only to your own wellbeing, but to the friendship that could form if you allow yourself some time between the end of the relationship, and the slim prospect of you two reuniting.
Reasons for remaining friends are usually integrated into three categories, or "motives".
One: convenience and necessity (i.
e.
belonging to the same social circle as your ex), two: not wanting to lose the bond you once shared as lovers, and three: the hope of becoming romantically involved once more.
Though these may seem like good reasons to stay involved, but a recent survey shows that friendships between platonic males and females will experience a higher eminence of overall support, both emotional and corporeal, than a friendship formed between ex-lovers.
Ex-lovers were less likely to give emotional support, less likely to trust and disclose in one another, less likely to share good news, less likely to stand up for one another in absence of the other, less likely to volunteer help in time of need, and less likely to strive to make the other person happy.
But why such a morbid dynamic? It is because in the human realm, friendship is based on what the business world refers to as: "risk versus benefit".
This means that your intention as a friend, though self-seeking in its own manner, is there for your happiness and not the other way around.
Sure, you strive to make your friends happy and you may be there in a time of need, but in the end it all comes down to "me, me, me!"; it is a line in the sand.
The more compensations perceived by the friendship (e.
g.
having fun, feeling intellectually stimulated, and being emotionally supported), the closer your rapport will become.
In the same manner, the more costs perceived by the friendship (e.
g.
feeling bored, irritated, neglected, or detached), the more distant the friendship will become and the more likely it is to eventually disband.
Research shows that majority of people perceive greater benefit and less cost in their platonic friendships than their countering ex-lover friendships, and thus, they consider their platonic friendships to be a more fulfilling relationship.
So does this mean it is a wise idea not to stay involved in an ex's life? Take a couple of things into consideration before making your own conclusion.
Were you close friends prior to the relationship? If so, you may be able to counteract the "risk versus benefit" through sheer will of friendship; having been close before the relationship indicates more of a success rate.
How long have you known the person, even when not close to them in a friendly manner? And above all else, repeat in your mind the reasons you had for moving from friendship to lovers and see if any of those reasons was obscure.
If you got together for all the wrong reasons, chances are it's time to cut them loose and remain in contact, but maybe not "friends".