"How Do I Save My Marriage?" - NOT! What Not to Do to Save Your Marriage
There is so much advice today in answering the question, "How do I save my marriage," with the divorce rate reaching nearly 60% in today's society.
It's hard to know what to believe or who to listen to.
Believe it or not, it's not as hard as people think to actually have a happy marriage.
It takes some work to create that 'happily ever after' experience, but it's completely doable, even if only one person wants it.
It's possible IF you know what to do and what NOT to do.
These are the top 3 mistakes that I believe people make in trying to save their marriage, and ultimately doom it to failure.
Show them how much you need them and want them! Stick to them like glue and never let them go! Neediness is not attractive.
People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! When the other person is walking out the door, it feels like that's the time to let them know how much you love them.
It's now or never and if you bear your soul, maybe they'll stay.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
People will do all kinds of things to themselves to prove how much they need the other person.
They refuse to eat, sleep, take care of their kids, or whatever as a way of saying to the other person, "Please! I can't make it without you," And every time, the person who wants out says "Look, you're pathetic.
I am so much better off without you.
" Even if they don't come right out and say that, they are definitely thinking something to that effect.
If you want to begin to answer the question, "How do I save my marriage," start with understanding that being needy is never attractive.
Beg and plead with them to stay! That'll do the trick.
Imagine that you're watching a T.
V.
show.
Now, you are into the show, and you completely understand the storyline and everything that's going on, and you assume your spouse does too.
The problem is, they don't, because they're watching a DIFFERENT show altogether.
We seem to think that all of our begging and pleading,will get them to see the wisdom of our logic, but they are working off a different set of logic and emotions.
Try arguing with a child about how they should eat a healthy meal before they eat sweets(try arguing with a child over anything for that matter).
How is that going to go? What are the chances of really getting the child to see your logic, much less agree with it? The same is true with a spouse who wants to leave.
The harder I try to convince someone of something that is opposite to what they believe, the harder that person is going to hold to their belief, no matter how faulty their thinking may be.
Let your spouse know that this is their problem.
They will see your logic, and suddenly realize that they are the one at fault What I'm talking about here is: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, do not point out how this is their fault or how you are fine and they're the one with the problem.
Don't point out how this was bound to happen because they have always been selfish and self-centered.
Please don't tell them about how your marriage problems have nothing to do your marriage and instead, have to do with some deep rooted fear from their childhood or dysfunctional family, or any other psycho babble diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr.
Phil.
You might be right! The problem is, you are not going to be seen as an outside observer who is neutral, giving an unbiased opinion.
Your spouse is not going to listen to you honestly, and your spouse is only going to become more hurt and frustrated.
Leave the diagnosis up to the professionals.
It's hard to know what to believe or who to listen to.
Believe it or not, it's not as hard as people think to actually have a happy marriage.
It takes some work to create that 'happily ever after' experience, but it's completely doable, even if only one person wants it.
It's possible IF you know what to do and what NOT to do.
These are the top 3 mistakes that I believe people make in trying to save their marriage, and ultimately doom it to failure.
Show them how much you need them and want them! Stick to them like glue and never let them go! Neediness is not attractive.
People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! When the other person is walking out the door, it feels like that's the time to let them know how much you love them.
It's now or never and if you bear your soul, maybe they'll stay.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
People will do all kinds of things to themselves to prove how much they need the other person.
They refuse to eat, sleep, take care of their kids, or whatever as a way of saying to the other person, "Please! I can't make it without you," And every time, the person who wants out says "Look, you're pathetic.
I am so much better off without you.
" Even if they don't come right out and say that, they are definitely thinking something to that effect.
If you want to begin to answer the question, "How do I save my marriage," start with understanding that being needy is never attractive.
Beg and plead with them to stay! That'll do the trick.
Imagine that you're watching a T.
V.
show.
Now, you are into the show, and you completely understand the storyline and everything that's going on, and you assume your spouse does too.
The problem is, they don't, because they're watching a DIFFERENT show altogether.
We seem to think that all of our begging and pleading,will get them to see the wisdom of our logic, but they are working off a different set of logic and emotions.
Try arguing with a child about how they should eat a healthy meal before they eat sweets(try arguing with a child over anything for that matter).
How is that going to go? What are the chances of really getting the child to see your logic, much less agree with it? The same is true with a spouse who wants to leave.
The harder I try to convince someone of something that is opposite to what they believe, the harder that person is going to hold to their belief, no matter how faulty their thinking may be.
Let your spouse know that this is their problem.
They will see your logic, and suddenly realize that they are the one at fault What I'm talking about here is: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, do not point out how this is their fault or how you are fine and they're the one with the problem.
Don't point out how this was bound to happen because they have always been selfish and self-centered.
Please don't tell them about how your marriage problems have nothing to do your marriage and instead, have to do with some deep rooted fear from their childhood or dysfunctional family, or any other psycho babble diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr.
Phil.
You might be right! The problem is, you are not going to be seen as an outside observer who is neutral, giving an unbiased opinion.
Your spouse is not going to listen to you honestly, and your spouse is only going to become more hurt and frustrated.
Leave the diagnosis up to the professionals.