Many have heard the story of the Weckuaesgeek Indians, who sold the entire island of Manhattan to Dutch traders for $24 worth of beads. But few know the ultimate outcome of the deal.
The once clear historical waters have been muddied by those who have redefined History from “the study of the past” into “the study of what a bunch of dickheads white men were”. This side claims that the Dutch didn’t even buy Manhattan, instead they payed the rival Canarsies Indians to help exterminate the Weckquaesgeek from the island.
This sort of social moralist historical revisionism is heartily embraced by those who have failed in the real world and who have to take out their bitterness at the system by becoming high school history teachers and indoctrinating helpless teenagers with their Oliver Stone version of history.
They probably also claim to be one-sixteenth Cherokee and have a dream catcher dangling from their car mirror.
I’m here to scratch the historical record as if my name were Grandmaster Flash. The following is an exclusive interview with Bobbie Hawkfeather. He’s the last full-blooded Weckquaesgeek. And according to him, his people got the better end of the deal.
KFJ: You claim it was the Dutch who got mugged in that deal.
Hawkfeather: Our ancestor spirits were wise, like Cousin Owl. They told my people to re-invest the white man’s beads into slaves and opium. Money flowed like firewater. Meanwhile, the Dutch pale-faces made war with the English pale-faces and got totally pwned.
KFJ: So the Weckquaesgeek cashed in, while the Dutch lost what they’d paid for to the English. Your people have kept up the tradition of buying low and selling high ever since, and you’ve personally developed quite a nest egg yourself. What’s your secret?
to a kid lookin' up to me, life ain't nuthin but squaws and wampum...
Hawkfeather: When I was 20 winters old, I took a spirit journey. I saw the Earth Mother cry red tears, and heard the howls of Brother Bear as he searched for his people and his land. So I dumped my whole portfolio and bought as much Pfizer as I could just before Viagra hit the market. I made a shit ton.
KFJ: Do you still go on spirit journeys?
Hawkfeather: Nowadays, I fly’um my silver bird out to Ibiza and eat’um some ecstasy . That shit’s the tits! Real Big Medicine! Way better than spirit journeys. Then I usually spin for a few hours at club Pacha and cruise for tail.
KFJ: There are some who call you a sell out for embracing the white man’s materialism.
Hawkfeather: You can call me what ever you want, just don’t call me late for the pussy! Woooo!
(Hawkfeather then enthusiastically raises his hand, in what must be some traditional Weckquaesgeek gesture, and beckons me to slap it.)
KFJ: Have you ever thought of buying Manhattan back?
Hawkfeather: Seriously, why the fuck would I want to live in New York City? New Yorkers are such douchebags. They’re all so full of themselves and all they talk about is how they’re from New York and how great it is. I mean, I’m there fifteen minutes and I’m like one scrotal hair away from going on the warpath…fuck that place. The pale-faces can have it.
And I knew Hawkfeather was right. New Yorkers ARE assholes. I can’t even listen to their accents without wanting to strangle them. I shook hands with him and he took off in his private, bead-bought plane to destinations unknown. As he flew away into the sunset, I felt a pang of wispy regret that so much treachery and bloodshed had marred the history of our peoples.
I realize now from the relative moral safety of outnumbering his kind 100 to 1, that we white men were the dickheads. I’m not saying I’d give any of it back, and if they so much as tried to take it I’d use their babies for bayonette practice. What I am saying is: fuck New York City.
The once clear historical waters have been muddied by those who have redefined History from “the study of the past” into “the study of what a bunch of dickheads white men were”. This side claims that the Dutch didn’t even buy Manhattan, instead they payed the rival Canarsies Indians to help exterminate the Weckquaesgeek from the island.
This sort of social moralist historical revisionism is heartily embraced by those who have failed in the real world and who have to take out their bitterness at the system by becoming high school history teachers and indoctrinating helpless teenagers with their Oliver Stone version of history.
They probably also claim to be one-sixteenth Cherokee and have a dream catcher dangling from their car mirror.
I’m here to scratch the historical record as if my name were Grandmaster Flash. The following is an exclusive interview with Bobbie Hawkfeather. He’s the last full-blooded Weckquaesgeek. And according to him, his people got the better end of the deal.
KFJ: You claim it was the Dutch who got mugged in that deal.
Hawkfeather: Our ancestor spirits were wise, like Cousin Owl. They told my people to re-invest the white man’s beads into slaves and opium. Money flowed like firewater. Meanwhile, the Dutch pale-faces made war with the English pale-faces and got totally pwned.
KFJ: So the Weckquaesgeek cashed in, while the Dutch lost what they’d paid for to the English. Your people have kept up the tradition of buying low and selling high ever since, and you’ve personally developed quite a nest egg yourself. What’s your secret?
to a kid lookin' up to me, life ain't nuthin but squaws and wampum...
Hawkfeather: When I was 20 winters old, I took a spirit journey. I saw the Earth Mother cry red tears, and heard the howls of Brother Bear as he searched for his people and his land. So I dumped my whole portfolio and bought as much Pfizer as I could just before Viagra hit the market. I made a shit ton.
KFJ: Do you still go on spirit journeys?
Hawkfeather: Nowadays, I fly’um my silver bird out to Ibiza and eat’um some ecstasy . That shit’s the tits! Real Big Medicine! Way better than spirit journeys. Then I usually spin for a few hours at club Pacha and cruise for tail.
KFJ: There are some who call you a sell out for embracing the white man’s materialism.
Hawkfeather: You can call me what ever you want, just don’t call me late for the pussy! Woooo!
(Hawkfeather then enthusiastically raises his hand, in what must be some traditional Weckquaesgeek gesture, and beckons me to slap it.)
KFJ: Have you ever thought of buying Manhattan back?
Hawkfeather: Seriously, why the fuck would I want to live in New York City? New Yorkers are such douchebags. They’re all so full of themselves and all they talk about is how they’re from New York and how great it is. I mean, I’m there fifteen minutes and I’m like one scrotal hair away from going on the warpath…fuck that place. The pale-faces can have it.
And I knew Hawkfeather was right. New Yorkers ARE assholes. I can’t even listen to their accents without wanting to strangle them. I shook hands with him and he took off in his private, bead-bought plane to destinations unknown. As he flew away into the sunset, I felt a pang of wispy regret that so much treachery and bloodshed had marred the history of our peoples.
I realize now from the relative moral safety of outnumbering his kind 100 to 1, that we white men were the dickheads. I’m not saying I’d give any of it back, and if they so much as tried to take it I’d use their babies for bayonette practice. What I am saying is: fuck New York City.