Caught cheating! The aftermath of the most heart wrenching mistake a spouse can make in their marriage requires patience, understanding, interaction and forgiving!
Forgiving is probably the hardest thing to do when you're on the receiving end but it's the most critical step that must be taken if you have any hope of salvaging the relationship. We're going to look at some of the obstacles that hinder the process of forgiving and I'll also follow up with some suggestions you can impliment in order to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage.
Either we've been a part of it or we know somebody who's dealt with it in their marriage. Unfortunately, in today's society its way too ordinary and accepted amongst our peers. We've managed to actually twist the logic behind cheating and now some professionals even suggest some form of cheating can actually enhance a relationship! Are you serious? Yes, it's gotten that warped!
Emotions, they play a major part in the forgiving process. Depending upon theParty, emotions can lead the "cheated" to commit the worse crime imaginable when they realize that their love was taken for granted and thrown to the curb all for a physical desire to be filled. Once you're able to place your emotions under a particular level of control you normally go through the questioning period and of course the biggest question is WHY? Here's where nearly all people get on the wrong track for healing. We usually start off by asking the WRONG types of questions! Does it really matter WHY they cheated after the fact? All that's stuck in your head right now is either a picture you have locked away from witnessing the "act" or simply imagining your spouse in the arms of another individual. Neither of them bringing you much comfort.
Replacing your WHY's to HOW do we get past this, is a more significant question that leads you back on the right track for recovery. But let's be real here, the WHY's are masking a larger issue, WHAT drove this person to commit this act of unfaithfulness in the first place? No one truly commited in a marriage wakes up one morning and simply decides to sleep with another person other than their spouse. Know that there's always "warning signs" prior to this taking place. Somewhere along this road to betrayal some signs were evident BUT you either didn't consider it a real "issue" at the time or you simply took their concerns for granted. There's always signs! Placing your emotions on the back burner and sitting down with your spouse for that serious discussion is a must. This discussion must be handled with kid's gloves, the first wrong answer or wrong question spoken with sarcasm or harsh accusation will only stir up a verbal war or even worse. Remember, you're trying to start on the road to hopefully recovering what's left of the marriage, not nail the coffin to a dying marriage!
Once your anger has subsided (somewhat) you ultimately realize that you have an upper hand in this marriage and for a lot of us we take on this upper hand and use it in the worse way! It's now our official ACE in the hole card! Used at our discretion, every time we feel the need to remind this person of that horrible mistake! And we try to justify it too! An eye for eye, or in some people's view, a lay for a lay! Forgiving is nowhere to be found in this development, it's buried deep and for many years! Again, it's those emotions that take over our rational thinking and our hearts! How can you push forward when you're constantly reminding them of the past? Once again, you're left with taking the high road or the low one. The high one of course relating to the question, HOW grave do I want this relationship? (And in reality you're asking yourself just how much do I love this person now?). The low question that takes us down the wrong path is, How can I make them suffer the pain I felt? Taking this road only leads to more destruction in the marriage, now there's NO faith amongst either of you and neither of you feel as if you were wrong for doing it! How sick is that thinking?
If we really wish for the marriage to survive, we should use our "upper hand" to create some rules for the "cheater". We don't ask, we don't suggest that they consider it, but we TELL THEM that we, as a couple will be open to counseling! It doesn't matter which professional you seek for it, rather it be your Pastor, a Marriage Counselor, or Rabbi, it's a must that someone give you two input and recommendations from a neutral view. You can also use your upper hand to hold the "cheater" answerable for their whereabouts. Now this should not be taken to the extreme, not allowing them to go the bathroom without checking in with you is a little excessive but at the same time knowing that it should take them no more than 30 mins. to get home from work and they can't seem to make it home til 2 hours later is a justifiable motive to have them call you. And recognize that this is something TEMPORARY! Until your trust in this is at a "safe level" again. Holding someone hostage with this recovery step for 5 or 7 years later "after the fact" is not a sign of FORGIVING, it's a living hell!
Of course there's quite a few other scenarios that we can look at because everyone's situation is not the same (kids, traveling due to job, friends and family, etc...). But do you see how asking the RIGHT questions are in a sense, steps toward FORGIVING? Wanting to know who the other party was in the act won't revive your marriage, but given access to the cheater's personal email and social sites accounts must be considered as an "offer of good faith" towards the cheated. The "cheater" must be willing to show the "cheated" that they still value the marriage, they made a unspeakable mistake and that they truly love you. Actions will always speak louder than words. FORGIVING takes action, and LOVE is not an emotion, LOVE is action!
FORGIVING is a requirement in order for any marriage to survive the pains of betrayal.
Anthony W. Taylor
<http://helpinarelationship.com/>
Forgiving is probably the hardest thing to do when you're on the receiving end but it's the most critical step that must be taken if you have any hope of salvaging the relationship. We're going to look at some of the obstacles that hinder the process of forgiving and I'll also follow up with some suggestions you can impliment in order to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage.
Either we've been a part of it or we know somebody who's dealt with it in their marriage. Unfortunately, in today's society its way too ordinary and accepted amongst our peers. We've managed to actually twist the logic behind cheating and now some professionals even suggest some form of cheating can actually enhance a relationship! Are you serious? Yes, it's gotten that warped!
Emotions, they play a major part in the forgiving process. Depending upon theParty, emotions can lead the "cheated" to commit the worse crime imaginable when they realize that their love was taken for granted and thrown to the curb all for a physical desire to be filled. Once you're able to place your emotions under a particular level of control you normally go through the questioning period and of course the biggest question is WHY? Here's where nearly all people get on the wrong track for healing. We usually start off by asking the WRONG types of questions! Does it really matter WHY they cheated after the fact? All that's stuck in your head right now is either a picture you have locked away from witnessing the "act" or simply imagining your spouse in the arms of another individual. Neither of them bringing you much comfort.
Replacing your WHY's to HOW do we get past this, is a more significant question that leads you back on the right track for recovery. But let's be real here, the WHY's are masking a larger issue, WHAT drove this person to commit this act of unfaithfulness in the first place? No one truly commited in a marriage wakes up one morning and simply decides to sleep with another person other than their spouse. Know that there's always "warning signs" prior to this taking place. Somewhere along this road to betrayal some signs were evident BUT you either didn't consider it a real "issue" at the time or you simply took their concerns for granted. There's always signs! Placing your emotions on the back burner and sitting down with your spouse for that serious discussion is a must. This discussion must be handled with kid's gloves, the first wrong answer or wrong question spoken with sarcasm or harsh accusation will only stir up a verbal war or even worse. Remember, you're trying to start on the road to hopefully recovering what's left of the marriage, not nail the coffin to a dying marriage!
Once your anger has subsided (somewhat) you ultimately realize that you have an upper hand in this marriage and for a lot of us we take on this upper hand and use it in the worse way! It's now our official ACE in the hole card! Used at our discretion, every time we feel the need to remind this person of that horrible mistake! And we try to justify it too! An eye for eye, or in some people's view, a lay for a lay! Forgiving is nowhere to be found in this development, it's buried deep and for many years! Again, it's those emotions that take over our rational thinking and our hearts! How can you push forward when you're constantly reminding them of the past? Once again, you're left with taking the high road or the low one. The high one of course relating to the question, HOW grave do I want this relationship? (And in reality you're asking yourself just how much do I love this person now?). The low question that takes us down the wrong path is, How can I make them suffer the pain I felt? Taking this road only leads to more destruction in the marriage, now there's NO faith amongst either of you and neither of you feel as if you were wrong for doing it! How sick is that thinking?
If we really wish for the marriage to survive, we should use our "upper hand" to create some rules for the "cheater". We don't ask, we don't suggest that they consider it, but we TELL THEM that we, as a couple will be open to counseling! It doesn't matter which professional you seek for it, rather it be your Pastor, a Marriage Counselor, or Rabbi, it's a must that someone give you two input and recommendations from a neutral view. You can also use your upper hand to hold the "cheater" answerable for their whereabouts. Now this should not be taken to the extreme, not allowing them to go the bathroom without checking in with you is a little excessive but at the same time knowing that it should take them no more than 30 mins. to get home from work and they can't seem to make it home til 2 hours later is a justifiable motive to have them call you. And recognize that this is something TEMPORARY! Until your trust in this is at a "safe level" again. Holding someone hostage with this recovery step for 5 or 7 years later "after the fact" is not a sign of FORGIVING, it's a living hell!
Of course there's quite a few other scenarios that we can look at because everyone's situation is not the same (kids, traveling due to job, friends and family, etc...). But do you see how asking the RIGHT questions are in a sense, steps toward FORGIVING? Wanting to know who the other party was in the act won't revive your marriage, but given access to the cheater's personal email and social sites accounts must be considered as an "offer of good faith" towards the cheated. The "cheater" must be willing to show the "cheated" that they still value the marriage, they made a unspeakable mistake and that they truly love you. Actions will always speak louder than words. FORGIVING takes action, and LOVE is not an emotion, LOVE is action!
FORGIVING is a requirement in order for any marriage to survive the pains of betrayal.
Anthony W. Taylor
<http://helpinarelationship.com/>