Those now famous words: "Can't we all just get along?" I cannot think of a husband or wife that doesn't desire to get along.
Can you? Still, sometimes peace can elude us.
During these times, it could be that love demands more of each spouse.
Failure to comply with the rules of love could be the real culprit in marital breakdown.
For years Alex and Allison experienced the same argument almost every day.
The argument got so old and they grew so tired that they just stopped talking.
That is, until their finances began to suffer and they were forced to talk.
That is when they happened upon my office.
Both were angry and accusatory of the other.
Alex thought that Allison was too uptight with money and required an accounting of every single penny.
Her rigidity left no room for error and there was no grace for the occasional oversights he may have made.
He felt that if she would relax, he could handle the finances much better.
Allison, on the other hand, believed Alex was careless and irresponsible with money.
They have switched back and forth taking primary responsibility for their income and expenses.
Right before being served a foreclosure notice, Allison admits to taking over the finances once again.
She blames Alex for the threat of losing their home.
But these two are not unlike many couples.
The tension between their differing approaches to money transcends almost every area of their relationship.
For Alex, not only does his wife's rigidity exist with their finances, but also with the kids, schedules, chores and even sex.
Similarly, Allison believes her husband is irresponsible in managing most routines of the family's daily living, his time and their resources.
If you examine these two closely, it would be a mistake to conclude that they have money problems.
Each of their manners and ways permeate every area of their lives.
As our sessions continued, I asked more questions and came to some conclusions.
Both Alex and Allison were suffering in marriage for different reasons.
They were not the cause of each other's pain as they had supposed.
Each was suffering from self-inflicted wounds.
You see the basis of marriage is love and love has rules.
If we follow the rules of love we feel good, grow and prosper physically, emotionally and otherwise.
If we do not, inevitably, we suffer.
While Alex and Allison each engaged some of the rules of love quite well, others they did not.
First, Alex was an exceptional football player, charming and funny.
He was accustomed to being taken care of and worked hard to be pleasing so that others would take care of him.
People were drawn to Alex because he made them feel important.
In fact, it was this attribute that attracted Allison to him.
She too enjoyed his charm and ease with people.
He listened intently to her and made her feel as if she was the only person that mattered.
Alex obeyed the rule of love well that says esteem others better than yourself.
Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
" But Alex had another side.
In working so hard to be pleasing to others he gave up responsibility for himself.
But, love requires that we take responsibility for ourselves.
When we don't, like Alex, we will suffer.
I Thessalonians 4: 4 declares the will of God, "that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor," (NAS) Verses 11 and 12 continue, "that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.
" (NKJV) Second, Allison was used to take care of things herself.
Growing up she made breakfast for her siblings, supervising them when her single mother was at work.
Not only did she make sure her homework was complete, but she also helped her younger brother and sister with theirs.
Allison worked a part-time job so that the family could have some of the "extras.
" She did all of this and maintained good grades in school.
Allison followed the rule of love that says, love cares for the things of others.
She is responsible and lives responsibly in relation to others.
In this she adheres to Romans 13: 1-3: "Be a good citizen.
All governments are under God.
Insofar as there is peace and order, it's God's order.
So live responsibly as a citizen.
If you're irresponsible to the state, then you're irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible.
Duly constituted authorities are only a threat if you're trying to get by with something.
Decent citizens should have nothing to fear.
" But Allison had another side too.
In working so hard to help her mother fulfill family and household responsibilities, she forfeited leisure activities like afterschool sports or fun with friends, as well as just "being" with people.
She knew how to keep everyone and everything in order, but Allison did not know how to relax.
Her life rose and fell on the proverbial 'to do list'.
But Allison did not know how to emotionally connect with Alex or others for that matter.
Love requires that we be emotionally available in marriage.
This is an important way husbands and wives connect.
Allison's strived to get things done.
However, it prevented her from being emotionally present with Alex.
Allison suffered from her inability to stop, rest and be fully present with Alex.
This was not Alex's problem, rather it belong to Allison.
Hebrews 4:9, 10 reads, "There remains therefore a rest for the people of God.
For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His.
" Psalms 46: 10 offers insight as to one way we can know and connect with others.
It reads, "Be still, and know that I am God...
" Allison needs to learn how to be still, in order to know and connect with Alex.
In Luke 10: 41 and 42, after Martha complained about Mary resting and not helping given all that had to be done.
Jesus gives the same advice to Martha: "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things.
But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.
" Preferring others to himself had gotten Alex what he desired and more.
Most of all, it delivered him a beautiful wife, named Allison.
Yet, it was self-serving which violates the rule of love that requires us to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions as well as those God has given us.
Marriage is one of God's best opportunities for Alex to learn, admit and grow beyond selfishness and receive unconditional love from another while doing so.
And what better person to learn responsible behavior from than Allison? Allison was good at being responsible for herself and others.
She enjoyed working hard and long, but that enabled her to avoid painful feelings of emotional isolation and loneliness.
She admitted to feeling disconnected from others and only feeling appreciated for what she did.
Allison was violating a rule of love that says be still in order to know love (Psalm 46:10).
By not know how to rest and relax, she forfeits the benefit of truly connecting with others - especially her husband.
She wanted and desperately desired this emotional connection, but blamed his irresponsibility with household tasks as the reason for her disconnect.
You see, marital conflict exposed each problem, as well as each need.
The truth is, Allison never learned how to connect and Alex did not have the benefit of having to accept responsibility for himself.
Each has a problem and a need.
Alex needed to accept responsibility for himself, his relationship with God, his wife and children.
Allison needed to learn how to feel accepted and loved without performing.
If each focused on opportunities to meet their respective needs, they would inevitably feel better about themselves and each other.
And if only one of them began focusing on his or her needs they still would close the distance between them!
Can you? Still, sometimes peace can elude us.
During these times, it could be that love demands more of each spouse.
Failure to comply with the rules of love could be the real culprit in marital breakdown.
For years Alex and Allison experienced the same argument almost every day.
The argument got so old and they grew so tired that they just stopped talking.
That is, until their finances began to suffer and they were forced to talk.
That is when they happened upon my office.
Both were angry and accusatory of the other.
Alex thought that Allison was too uptight with money and required an accounting of every single penny.
Her rigidity left no room for error and there was no grace for the occasional oversights he may have made.
He felt that if she would relax, he could handle the finances much better.
Allison, on the other hand, believed Alex was careless and irresponsible with money.
They have switched back and forth taking primary responsibility for their income and expenses.
Right before being served a foreclosure notice, Allison admits to taking over the finances once again.
She blames Alex for the threat of losing their home.
But these two are not unlike many couples.
The tension between their differing approaches to money transcends almost every area of their relationship.
For Alex, not only does his wife's rigidity exist with their finances, but also with the kids, schedules, chores and even sex.
Similarly, Allison believes her husband is irresponsible in managing most routines of the family's daily living, his time and their resources.
If you examine these two closely, it would be a mistake to conclude that they have money problems.
Each of their manners and ways permeate every area of their lives.
As our sessions continued, I asked more questions and came to some conclusions.
Both Alex and Allison were suffering in marriage for different reasons.
They were not the cause of each other's pain as they had supposed.
Each was suffering from self-inflicted wounds.
You see the basis of marriage is love and love has rules.
If we follow the rules of love we feel good, grow and prosper physically, emotionally and otherwise.
If we do not, inevitably, we suffer.
While Alex and Allison each engaged some of the rules of love quite well, others they did not.
First, Alex was an exceptional football player, charming and funny.
He was accustomed to being taken care of and worked hard to be pleasing so that others would take care of him.
People were drawn to Alex because he made them feel important.
In fact, it was this attribute that attracted Allison to him.
She too enjoyed his charm and ease with people.
He listened intently to her and made her feel as if she was the only person that mattered.
Alex obeyed the rule of love well that says esteem others better than yourself.
Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
" But Alex had another side.
In working so hard to be pleasing to others he gave up responsibility for himself.
But, love requires that we take responsibility for ourselves.
When we don't, like Alex, we will suffer.
I Thessalonians 4: 4 declares the will of God, "that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor," (NAS) Verses 11 and 12 continue, "that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.
" (NKJV) Second, Allison was used to take care of things herself.
Growing up she made breakfast for her siblings, supervising them when her single mother was at work.
Not only did she make sure her homework was complete, but she also helped her younger brother and sister with theirs.
Allison worked a part-time job so that the family could have some of the "extras.
" She did all of this and maintained good grades in school.
Allison followed the rule of love that says, love cares for the things of others.
She is responsible and lives responsibly in relation to others.
In this she adheres to Romans 13: 1-3: "Be a good citizen.
All governments are under God.
Insofar as there is peace and order, it's God's order.
So live responsibly as a citizen.
If you're irresponsible to the state, then you're irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible.
Duly constituted authorities are only a threat if you're trying to get by with something.
Decent citizens should have nothing to fear.
" But Allison had another side too.
In working so hard to help her mother fulfill family and household responsibilities, she forfeited leisure activities like afterschool sports or fun with friends, as well as just "being" with people.
She knew how to keep everyone and everything in order, but Allison did not know how to relax.
Her life rose and fell on the proverbial 'to do list'.
But Allison did not know how to emotionally connect with Alex or others for that matter.
Love requires that we be emotionally available in marriage.
This is an important way husbands and wives connect.
Allison's strived to get things done.
However, it prevented her from being emotionally present with Alex.
Allison suffered from her inability to stop, rest and be fully present with Alex.
This was not Alex's problem, rather it belong to Allison.
Hebrews 4:9, 10 reads, "There remains therefore a rest for the people of God.
For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His.
" Psalms 46: 10 offers insight as to one way we can know and connect with others.
It reads, "Be still, and know that I am God...
" Allison needs to learn how to be still, in order to know and connect with Alex.
In Luke 10: 41 and 42, after Martha complained about Mary resting and not helping given all that had to be done.
Jesus gives the same advice to Martha: "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things.
But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.
" Preferring others to himself had gotten Alex what he desired and more.
Most of all, it delivered him a beautiful wife, named Allison.
Yet, it was self-serving which violates the rule of love that requires us to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions as well as those God has given us.
Marriage is one of God's best opportunities for Alex to learn, admit and grow beyond selfishness and receive unconditional love from another while doing so.
And what better person to learn responsible behavior from than Allison? Allison was good at being responsible for herself and others.
She enjoyed working hard and long, but that enabled her to avoid painful feelings of emotional isolation and loneliness.
She admitted to feeling disconnected from others and only feeling appreciated for what she did.
Allison was violating a rule of love that says be still in order to know love (Psalm 46:10).
By not know how to rest and relax, she forfeits the benefit of truly connecting with others - especially her husband.
She wanted and desperately desired this emotional connection, but blamed his irresponsibility with household tasks as the reason for her disconnect.
You see, marital conflict exposed each problem, as well as each need.
The truth is, Allison never learned how to connect and Alex did not have the benefit of having to accept responsibility for himself.
Each has a problem and a need.
Alex needed to accept responsibility for himself, his relationship with God, his wife and children.
Allison needed to learn how to feel accepted and loved without performing.
If each focused on opportunities to meet their respective needs, they would inevitably feel better about themselves and each other.
And if only one of them began focusing on his or her needs they still would close the distance between them!