Did you know that you could buy underwear on eBay? This was news to me until I discovered that the only place to find my all-time favorite, now-discontinued bra was from an eBay retailer.
The thought of having to actually find something new was daunting, and that was how I found myself surfing the web in hopes of discovering some store with a leftover cache.
Now, I'm a reluctant shopper in general and would've put the whole endeavor off longer, but my mother was adamant that if I ever got in an accident, I wouldn't want anyone to see the sad, sad state of my undergarments.
Frankly, I used to not care; but on a recent trip to the emergency room straight from the soccer field, I found I was less worried about my nearly fractured ankle than the fact that the cute ER doc had to touch my unshaved leg.
Unfortunately, my joy at getting some hits on Google for the right make and model was short-lived when the only available options were on eBay.
Now, I know that eBay features actual retailers and that it's not always used stuff.
However, there's just something so un-La Perla about bidding for "unmentionables" on an auction site.
It's not only one gigantic step below the Victoria Secret's clearance sale catalog; but it feels too personal, as if somebody is literally going through their underwear drawer and mailing it to me.
Now it might not bother most people, but the only underwear I want to touch besides mine would be those owned by people I've given birth to, and even then it's questionable on occasion.
So, while I was trying to decide whether I should bid, I was interrupted by an important call concerning someone else's "unmentionables.
" Apparently, one of my single mom friends, upon her daughter's return from a visit with her father, had found an extra piece of clothing in her child's suitcase: a pair of female underwear (adult-sized) that must have gotten mixed up in the wash.
(Note to friend: Ex-husband does get extra credit for actually sending the child home with clean laundry!) "Granny panty or thong?" This was my first question.
"Granny, definitely Granny.
" "Size?" "Larger than mine," replied my very relieved friend.
Now, my first reaction, which is not always my most mature one, was to mail it back to her ex with a note enclosed saying, "I see London, I see France, I've seen your girlfriend's underpants.
" Fortunately for my friend, we were able to convene a few more single parents to discuss other alternatives.
We dismissed selling it on eBay (yet another suggestion from Yours Truly); or sending the child back with a leopard-print thong in her suitcase.
We all agreed that it violates all single parenthood ethics to ever use your child as a go-between for anything (Note to Alec Baldwin: this includes misplaced anger, too!).
Besides, the new girlfriend was probably not worth the price of a good piece of lingerie.
My friend ultimately decided to simply throw the panties out and make no mention them.
Her reasoning? Retaliation in any form is short-lived, but taking the high road will mean that from this point forward, whenever she gets annoyed with her ex, she would have the solace of knowing that her replacement wears granny panties in a size larger than her.
As for me, I hope that given the same circumstances I, too, would choose the high road; but in the meantime, I'm still here waiting to see if I'm the highest bid on eBay.
Just in the off chance that I ever run in to that cute ER doc again